Category: Marriage & Womanhood

Not many wives would probably say they are “jealous” of their husband in the traditional sense.  When we think of jealousy, we usually picture other women: their creative mothering, skinny figure, padded bank account, gorgeous home…

But let me ask you (as I ask myself):
Have you ever wanted to be the final authority in your family’s big decisions?
Have you ever wished you had freedom to go on special “man trips” or have the same amount of time away from the kids as he does?
Have you ever wanted to change the same amount of diapers your husband changes?
Have you ever wanted to sleep through the crying while he wakes up instead?
Have you ever felt a little pang of frustration at his paycheck compared to yours?
Have you ever thought he had it easy when you have it hard?
Have you ever wanted to say, “You figure our dinner tonight…and clean up too!”

Envy lies beneath the surface of all these thoughts.

When Daydreams Lead to Bitterness
One of the first times I felt the passionate sting of “husband envy” was during a family vacation with our small children in tow.  Each day, my husband would sleep late into the morning, while I woke up early with three hungry little boys (just like I did at home).  I found myself feeding everyone breakfast, eye rolling his behavior to our extended family members, and thinking to myself, “This just isn’t fair!  I want to sleep in and have a vacation too, but I’m the one stuck with the kids.”  As the minutes rolled by, I felt more frustrated and thought of ways to sabotage his slumber.  Even now, I sometimes find myself wrestling with this as he occasionally sleeps-in later than the children on the weekends, but with God’s help, I’m changing my outlook.

Allowing my husband to sleep is a way to serve and bless him.  He regularly gets up with the kids during the night while I get to continue sleeping, but I seem to forget all of his sacrifices when I’m feeling shortchanged.  And if I really need more rest on a Saturday, I know a prayerful and well-timed conversation would be more helpful than a heart brewing with envy.

Maybe you can relate, or maybe you battle envy on a different front.  Maybe you assume your husband couldn’t possibly understand the challenge of being a working mom—responsible for nursing, changing diapers, and packing bags all before commuting to the office by 8:00am.  Or maybe as a stay-at-home mom, you’ve sometimes felt like a martyr for the family, dealing with mess after mess all day long while your husband gets dressed for the quiet office.

I’ve talked to many wives and moms who admit to daydreaming about switching places with their husband.  They replay the differences over and over in their head:
He gets emails, I get dirty diapers.
He gets adult conversation, I get baby babble.
He gets breaks, I have to pump in the bathroom at the office.
He gets an after-hours drink, I have to rush to day care.
He gets to golf on Saturday, I have to entertain the kids and clean up.
He gets (fill in the blank), I have to (fill in the blank).

This is the same type of poisonous comparison and envy that infects our relationships with other women.  It’s just being practiced within the context of marriage.  When we declare our state of life unfair, and determine that our husband’s life is the better one, we’ve let a spirit of envy steal our hope in the gospel.

Why the Gospel Frees us to Rejoice
Before God, we are all equal with our husbands.  We are equally created in God’s image, equally sinful, and equally in need of a Savior.  You and your husband may live in different worlds, but these truths unite you before God.

When you believe that you deserve death and condemnation for your sin, AND that you’ve been given incredible mercy through the death of Christ on your behalf, you realize your greatest needs have been met.  Any other blessing God gives you is just a bonus to enjoy in this life.  But how does this practically translate into real life?

Knowing who you are in Christ means that you can trust God’s unique plan and purpose for your life, without needing it to be like anyone else.

Understanding what you really deserve allows you to rejoice for all the great things your husband gets to do, without feeling bitter or prideful.

Believing that God is good and offers good for your life allows you to take hard circumstances and face them with joy given by the Holy Spirit.

Seeing Christ as the greatest servant allows you to take the place of a servant in your marriage, looking for ways to lay down your life instead of take on the life of another.

As wives, we don’t have to live discouraged and embittered by our husbands’ opportunities.  Instead, we can lay down a heart of jealousy, rejoice in our differences, and thank God for the work He has given us to do.  Who knows…we might even start realizing how good we have it, and discover joy in the unique life God has given us!

Meet the Author
Guest blogger Emily Jensen is a wife and mom of 3 boys under the age of 3.  And oh yeah, she has another one on the way!  When she isn’t wrangling little warriors, she’s passionate about sharing gospel applications for the daily lives of women.  Emily blogs at fromthejensens.blogspot.com.  You can also follow her via Twitter and Facebook.

Interested in contributing a Guest Post?  Click here!

You May Also Like:

In the summer of 2005 Hurricane Katrina struck Louisiana, Lance Armstrong retired, and Clint Harrison asked me to marry him.  I was twenty years old, and if you’d given me wings I’d have sailed straight to the moon.  I’d like to think I took off the rose-colored glasses every now and then by reading marriage books and talking to wiser women, but the truth is, everything was tinged with Tinkerbell-like optimism.  Sprinkled with pixie dust and all the most tender hopes of my heart.

Once while we were engaged, we stole away into the woods by our college campus.  It was the perfect fall day, and Clint (filled with his usual supply of boundless energy) told wild stories,  chased me through the leaves, and laughed like a kid.  And then I saw them.  Each one of our future children…running around his legs, jumping on his back, squealing in the Autumn air.  It was one of the happiest moments of my life.   A moment when I knew I was about to begin a beautiful adventure, the one I’d been waiting for.

I thought about that girl today.  The one standing in the woods with a ring on her finger and stars in her eyes.  I couldn’t help but wonder how she would feel if she could see me now, nearly ten years later.  Would she be proud of the woman I’ve become?  Or disappointed?  Would she look at my life and smile?  Or frown?  I’ve always thought I could teach that girl a lot if I owned a time machine.  I would teach her that in the adventure of being a wife and mom, sometimes you look more like the wicked step-mother than the gracious queen.  Sometimes the palace smells like the stable, and the prince makes you want to joust instead of dance.  I would teach her that embracing boredom is brave and chasing fairytales is foolish.  That the princesses of perfection and performance are actually the enemies, and the monsters of suffering and difficulty are the friends you must learn to love.

I would teach her all these things, and I imagine she’d be better for it.  But today for the first time I wondered, if I shut my older and wiser mouth for just a second, what might she teach me?

Might she remind me how long we waited to be loved by a man, and how perhaps those dirty socks by the front door really weren’t worth the ugly words?  Would she remind me that we once held baby dolls in our arms and longed for the day when they would be real?  I think she would.  I think she would remind me of all that and more.

I think she would tell me there’s a fine line between “growing realistic” and growing cynical.  And that irritation…or endearment…are choices we make every day.  I think if that girl from the woods could see me now, she’d tell me to open my eyes.  To realize I’m rich in all the ways I’ve always hoped to be, save one.  I am poor in gratitude.  And as a result my heart may be older and wiser, but it is also harder.

So you know what I am thankful for today?  I am thankful for that girl.  That young, naive, foolish girl…with the soft and tender heart.  And I am praying that I welcome a little more of her back into my life everyday.

You May Also Like:

Recently someone asked me to respond to an article bashing biblical womanhood.  Admittedly, it’s one subject I’ve been fairly silent about.  Partly for fear of the backlash.  But mostly because I am the last person who deserves to write about it.  It’s not that I ever rejected the Bible’s call to submit to my husband (I Pt 3:1, 5), or have the sort of spirit that’s beautiful in God’s sight (I Pt 3:1-4).  In fact, I embraced such teaching as sound doctrine from a wise and sovereign God.  The problem was, I couldn’t live it to save my life.

As a kid I was fairly compliant.  So naturally, when I walked down the aisle, I believed this whole biblical womanhood thing would come easily for me.  Sweet and submissive as a baby bunny.  Boy, was my husband lucky!  Then somewhere within our first year of marriage Xena Warrior Princess rose up within me and slaughtered the bunny.  What I once believed to be compliance, I now recognize was pride.  Back then it manifested itself in the arrogant belief that I could fulfill the call to biblical womanhood in my own strength.  Once I realized I couldn’t, it manifested itself in utter outrage that I should ever be asked to.  Why should I submit?  I’m smart and gifted.  I can get it done twice as well in half the time.  And so I became controlling, disrespectful, and angry.  But I could never control things as completely as I wanted to, which only made me more furious.  Finally, all the anger gave way to deep discontentment.

Maybe you can relate.  Maybe you can’t.  Maybe the entire notion of biblical womanhood makes you want to gag.  Here is my challenge.  If the thought of submitting to an honorable man feels old-fashioned or degrading to you, then for just a moment, set it aside.  Forget all about submission and respect as it relates to a man, and ask yourself the one question I was forced to confront: Am I willing to submit to God? 

I finally came to see that my real fight was with Him.  It wasn’t my husband’s role I wanted, it was God’s.  I longed for the authority to control my life as I saw fit.  Like Satan himself, my heart cried, “I will make myself like the Most High” (Is 14:14).  I’ll never forget the day God opened my eyes to what I was becoming.  As I cried on my knees, He gave me a new verse from Isaiah: “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you” (26:3).  Oh how I longed for peace!  And I saw that it only came by way of trust.  Deep down, if I really trusted God, I could stop trying to be Him.  Then instead of being thrown into turmoil by the things I couldn’t control, my mind would be steadfast.  And all the anger, anxiety, and discord I’d welcomed into my heart and home would be replaced, at last, with peace.

We often view submission as oppressive, but I’ll tell you, as I submitted to God that day, I’d never felt freer in my life.  The truth is, biblical submission has and always will be foundational to Christianity.  To quote Webster, to submit is to “yield to the authority of another.”  Is this not the very heart and soul of the gospel?  Indeed this is the example Christ Himself set, when He submitted to the Father’s will, becoming obedient to the point of death (Phil 2:2-8).   And that is exactly what’s required of any who would follow Him.  The call to Christianity is not a call to rule, but to die (Mt 16:25).  To become a bondservant, a slave, to the One True King (Rom 6:22).  And in so doing, to discover life and freedom for the very first time.

Do I believe God has a distinct vision for womanhood?  Yes, I do.  If He wanted men and women to function in exactly the same way, I believe He could’ve made one gender.  We could’ve reproduced asexually, like star fish.  But He didn’t.  He could’ve made Eve first.  Or inspired Paul to urge men to be keepers of the home, subject to their wives.  But He didn’t.  He intentionally created both men and women, and through Scripture revealed the equal but different roles for which He designed them.

If you struggle with the doctrine or application of biblical womanhood, would you be willing to begin by yielding to the authority of Christ, then asking Him to teach you His vision for womanhood, as revealed in the Bible?  Not what you want the Bible to teach, or think the Bible should teach, but what it actually teaches.  Because as Wayne Grudem points out, when we tweak Scripture to suit our preferences, what’s ultimately at stake isn’t merely manhood or womanhood.  It’s the authority of the Bible itself.

So, to the dear reader who asked for my thoughts on biblical womanhood, it is with great love and humility that I offer this response.  In case you’re wondering, I still know what it’s like to struggle with respect, to long for control, and to be sick of managing a household.  But because of His grace, I also know what it’s like to experience glimpses of harmony, when my husband and I embrace our God-ordained callings because we trust that His design is best.  And I can say this—it is beautiful, it is peaceful, and it is freeing.

Other Resources:
7 Misconceptions about Submission by Mary Kassian
Biblical Womanhood in Five Minutes An audio interview with John Piper
Evangelical Feminism & Biblical Truth by Wayne Grudem
Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by John PIper & Wayne Grudem
What’s the Difference? by John Piper

You May Also Like:

Let me begin by saying I realize your lot in life is as far as Fiji from mine.  I have no idea what it’s like to be a single guy in 2014.  But you and I do have one thing in common.  Both of us care about single girls.  Recently, some of my favorite ones have opened my eyes to the terrors of dating in the 21st century.  WIth that in mind, I thought I might offer a little insight into wooing the fairer sex.  I’m certainly no expert–my only qualification is this one extra X chromosome.  But for what it’s worth, here’s some advice from a girl:

Be confident in who you are.  I know it’s cliché, but nothing exudes insecurity faster than showing-off.  Trust me, no matter how politely she smiles, she knows you don’t really have $100,000 to invest in an up-and-coming business, knows you didn’t once date Katie Holmes, and is probably groaning inside if you’re telling her how much you can curl.  If there’s one thing she really will be impressed by, it’s sincerity.  Being genuine and humble demonstrates confidence.  Ego brags.  Confidence doesn’t have to.

Focus more on the “connection” factor than the “cool date” factor.  In other words, don’t drop $150 on a botanical garden carriage ride and then stare at her like a mute statue or *shudder* text your friends the whole time.  Sure a cool date’s great, but it will never make up for a lack of connection.  Which means you need to plan more than the date–you need to plan the conversation.  I once read a marriage book that said women long to be explored.  It’s the reason girlfriends can talk for hours at a coffee shop.  We want to be discovered…more than we want to smell botanical flowers, or perhaps best yet, while we smell botanical flowers 🙂

Err on the side of being a gentlemen.  With the rise of the women’s-lib movement, I can see why it’d be confusing to know whether or not to open her door or pay for her meal.  But you’re a lot less likely to offend by being more of a gentleman than less of one.  If she tells you, “I’ve got it” when you open the door–no big deal.  But if she’s looking for a gentleman and ends up having to pick up the tab, don’t expect a second date.

Adjust your expectations.  If you’re waiting for a girl who looks like J Lo and loves college football, don’t hold your breath.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t have standards, just consider them carefully.  That shy girl from church may just need a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll to become the most interesting person you’ve ever had a conversation with.  That really un-athletic friend of your sister’s may look at you like you’re Lebron James when you play basketball like Kevin James.  Or maybe not.  The thing is, there’s only one way to find out.

Don’t be afraid to stand up to her.  There’s a big difference between a control-freak and a leader.  One is rooted in pride, and the other is rooted in love and service.  Once you’ve built a trusting relationship with her, be brave enough to speak into her life in ways that will challenge and edify her.  At the end of the day, no matter how much we balk, (most) women don’t really want a yes-man.  They want a man they can respect.

You May Also Like: