Once upon a time, I was desperate. I was walking (alone, it felt) through an intensely dark season, the kind that makes you question everything. And despite my best efforts, I was completely lost. Terrified, angry, and exhausted.
So I started to write.
If nothing else, I needed to find my voice again. I needed a way to make sense of the senseless. A little steam vent to release some of the pressure inside the pot before the whole thing blew up.
I called the blog “Loving My Lot.” Because I didn’t. But I wanted to. I wanted to love the life God had given me. To treasure the “lot” He had destined for me long before time—even when that “lot” included suffering and struggle. At the time I thought the darkness would never end. I used to beg God, “Just tell me how long! I can make it, if you just tell me how long!” But I realize now, He never wanted me to “make it” by myself. He didn’t want me to gather up my resources and plow on through. He wanted to carry me. And arrogant as I was, the only way to carry me was to break my legs first.
This blog is God carrying me. It’s the story of my journey in His arms.
Once, during a particularly low point in the journey, my mom promised me that God is generous. She told me there would come a day when God would pour blessings on me so lavishly I would literally cry, “Enough God! You have blessed me enough!” I didn’t believe her. Until it happened.
It didn’t happen suddenly, like a light switch you flick on. It was gradual, more like those gymnasium lights that take twenty minutes to warm up. One day I looked around and realized they were blazing. Step by step, He had carried me out of the darkness. And moreover, He had made me strong—not in myself, but in my need for Him, which is really the best kind of strength. Recently, I caught myself journaling, “I have never been happier in my life,” and I thought of my mother’s promise. Even now, my eyes well up with tears, because my heart cries, “Enough God! I am staggering beneath the weight of Your generosity!”
I tell you this story because I have sensed for some time now that this part of my journey is over. This blog has served its purpose for me, and it will forever be special to me. But in this fresh season, I find myself aching to be more present. To enjoy every second right here. To pour into my family and friends and church with unhindered freedom.
I’ll still guest post on other sites from time to time, and I won’t delete this blog (she’s far too precious to me!) Who knows? One day I may resurrect Loving My Lot, or write another book. Or maybe not. In either case, I need you to know something before I sign off. In this whole journey, my greatest joy has been meeting fellow travelers, like you. You have taught me that I’m not alone, and that God is bigger than I could ever imagine. Thank you—for your comments and encouragement, for reading and sharing posts, and buying my book, and believing God could use me. You are part of His great grace in my life!