Sometimes motherhood feels exhilarating. And if we’re honest, sometimes it feels like being poked to death by plastic spoons. Like fighting the battle of Thermopylae with a team of Barbie dolls. You want to hear a true confession? This morning when I asked my kids what they want to be when they grow up, my four-year-old blurted, “I want to be a mommy!” and for one millisecond, all I could think was, “Why??”
Of course it was flattering. She wants to be me. But the truth is, some days I don’t even want to be me! Being me–and I’m sure being you–is hard work. It can be thankless work, lonely and menial. And it can be joyful work, rewarding and energizing. But always, it is work in that it requires a reservoir of strength, persistence, and dedication–sometimes with giggles and marshmallow crafts, and sometimes with migraines and diarrhea diapers.
Perhaps the hardest work of motherhood is the work done not with our hands, but our hearts. This work starts at conception, the moment we begin to love the life growing inside of us. It is the work of entrusting back to God what He has entrusted to us. The work of passionate affection and painful surrender. Of giving a faithful God our most fragile treasure. Of lessons slow learned, and victories hard won. It is the work of prayer and tears, of snapshot moments sealed in our souls, and quiet hopes for the future. One day, it will be the work of letting go. The work of college applications and bridal gowns and empty bedrooms that once wore butterfly quilts. And already I know that on that day, I will long to trade such work for ten thousand diarrhea diapers.
Teddy Roosevelt once said, “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, (and) difficulty.” Which makes me think, maybe it’s okay to admit motherhood requires gargantuan effort. Maybe it’s okay to admit it’s painful and difficult. Perhaps motherhood isn’t worthwhile in spite of the difficulty, but because of it. Like a farmer who pours his blood, sweat, and tears into his land, we pour all of ourselves into our children. And when we think there’s nothing left to give, we give a little more. And motherhood becomes beautiful because over the years we have wrestled all the rocks and roots out of that stubborn land, and we have made it valuable.
You know what I find amazing? The fact that in spite of her Oscar the Grouchy mom, my four-year-old daughter already recognizes the beauty and value of motherhood. She sees some of the work–the plowing, and planting, and sweating, and crying. But she focuses on the fruit. The cradling, and kissing, and singing, and smiling. And when I look at motherhood through her eyes, I find that I’m grateful to be a mom. And especially, to be her mom.
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I’m excited to introduce my first guest blogger! A former missionary kid, Joy grew up in Swaziland and Fontainebleau, France. She worked as a teacher, preschool director, and programs coordinator for an adoption agency, before becoming a stay at home mom. Though the rewards are great, the pay sure isn’t! After checking out Joy’s tips for budget trimming, we’d love to hear YOUR tips in the comment section below.
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Last summer, I left the job that I loved and embraced a higher calling: motherhood. Besides gaining a beautiful baby boy, we also lost one income. My husband and I live in an expensive city in the US so our budget took a hit. How were we going to pay all of our bills, tithe and save? We had to take a serious look at our budget and make some difficult adjustments. And so, our lifestyle changed.
Here’s a few of the most helpful changes we’ve made to help stretch our budget along the way:
1. We decided to usecloth diapers. We had been tossing around the idea of using cloth diapers for a while but when our son arrived and we realized how much we spent on diapers monthly, we decided to go for it. And we love it! We started when my son was 3 months old. We use the Grovia hybrid system and we spent about $350 to purchase everything. We have 8 shells and 24 inserts. Our son wears cloth all day, but at night he wears Pampers Stay Dry. Because we use cloth diapers, a box of 56 disposables lasts us about a month and a half.
Now that my son is eating solids, we use Grovia’s bioliners. If his diaper is just wet, then I wash the bioliner with the rest of the diapers and use it again. When the liner gets holes in it, I throw it away. If he has a messy diaper, the cleanup is easy. Just throw the liner with the poop away and put the cloth diaper and shell in the wet bag to wash later. It’s less hassle and less mess.
2. I make a meal plan every week. I shop in my pantry first to see what ingredients I have so I can plan my meals around them. Then, I figure out what meals we are going to have that week, and I make my grocery list. Some weeks, I only need to replenish our fresh food supply and I can keep the meals planned the previous week.
I have found that making as much as you can from scratch is the cheapest way to go. Frozen veggies are another money saving idea. I still buy fresh ones, but I also have a stock of frozen ones because they last longer and can make a good supplement to a meal. I can always throw together a stir fry easily too. Finally, don’t be afraid to make breakfast food for dinner. Omelets, waffles, pancakes, french toast or crepes with fruit and yogurt make cheap, filling meals and often only require ingredients that you already have in your cupboards. We usually have breakfast for dinner once a week.
3. We track our spending each week. This way, throughout the month, we see how we are doing budget-wise and how much we have left. There is a lot of software out there to help families track their spending. My husband created our spreadsheet but Mint.com has come highly recommended.
Groceries are one of the major items in our budget each month, so I have a post-it note on my fridge with the dollar amount that reflects what we have budgeted. At the beginning of each month, I get a new post-it and write the amount that I have available to spend that month on groceries. Every time I come home from the store, I subtract the amount I spent from the amount on the post-it. This way, I know exactly how much I have to spend for the rest of the month. I’m very visual and it’s a good reminder for me.
4. I shop with my grocery list and my calculator. I know, I know. How embarrassing to walk through the grocery store and add up each and every item! But it really helps me to see how much I am spending so that I am not surprised when I get to the cash register. Because I know how much I can spend from the post-it on the fridge, I stay in budget and still get what’s on my list. I may just need to choose the cheaper option instead of the name brand or the organic one for a few things. Plus, I use the calculator on my phone so it looks a little less embarrassing (hopefully!).
This month, I am trying to cut our grocery budget in half. I want to stay within $250 for all of our groceries. Ambitious? I know. Because I am a stay at home mom, I can go to different grocery stores and shop the deals, within reason of course. When I was working, this was not possible because of my schedule and desire to spend time with my husband after work. We are also blessed with an Asian supermarket within walking distance. It is the cheapest and best place for me to get fresh produce, especially since my son just started eating solids and I am making his baby food. Last week, I bought 2 acorn squash, 3 zucchini, 5 apples, 2 lbs of clementines, 3 large sweet potatoes, 1lb of celery and 2 onions for just $18. So far this month, I have been spending $60/week on groceries and now, I am at the end of the month with $13 to spare. My goal from now on is to spend $240-$280 a month.
These budget stretching ideas may or may not work for your family, but my family has found it extremely helpful to make a plan, track our progress, and experiment with new ideas (cloth diapers, home-made baby food, and Asian markets have been much easier to adopt than we ever expected).
And yet, my family can budget and plan as much as we want but I need to remember Who ultimately provides for us. I need to embrace Matthew 6:33 and seek first the kingdom of God without worrying about how He will provide for us. Growing up as a missionary kid, I saw how God provided for our family in times when we thought it impossible for Him to do so. And now as an adult, with a husband and baby, He is still showing me how important I am to Him, and how He will provide for my every need. It may not be my every want, although He does provide for those too, but He has always provided for my every need.
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I still remember the conversation. We were sitting in a coffee shop, three married women with zero kids between us, talking about purity. All of a sudden one of the women exclaimed, “Can you just imagine trying to teach your kids to be pure? Where would you even begin?” Three years later, another mom looked at me and said, “I had sex as a teenager. Honestly, I don’t even think it’s possible to raise sexually pure kids. If it is, I have no idea how to do it.” Both of these women were right about one thing: in and of ourselves we are incapable of raising pure kids. The Bible says God is sovereign (Ps 103:19), He has ordained all our children’s days (Ps 139:16), and they will be held accountable before Him for their own lives (2 Cor 5:10).
But does this mean we shrug and say, “Sounds like a lost cause to me!” As Paul would say, may it never be! We are still called to train, shepherd, and instruct our children. Let me pause and state the obvious here: my kids are 2 and 4. This is one article I’m not qualified to write as a parent. So let me write it as a child. It wasn’t that long ago that I was a teenager, wrestling with sexual purity. By His grace, I believe my parents were the most influential tool God used in helping me stay sexually pure. These are the five most helpful things they did:
Raise them with a gospel-centered WORLDVIEW regarding sex and marriage. I think it’s tempting to take a spitball approach when it comes to teaching kids about purity. We present a list of isolated truths about babies, STDs, and future spouses. But they don’t need a handful of toppings; they need the whole pizza. Like every other issue, they need us to put it into the context of the gospel, teaching them who they are, who God is, what Christ did on the cross, and how it impacts sex, marriage, and His glory. All this to say…
Give them a GREATER appreciation for sex. Say what? Isn’t that like giving an Eskimo more snow? The truth is none of us want our sweet children to wind up pregnant with syphilis and a broken heart. So the temptation is to give them a lower view of sex, to emphasize its dangers and dampen the appeal. But what we actually need to do is give them a higher view of sex. We need to take their narrow perspective of this feel-good thing and STRETCH it to include the eternal design of a vast God. We need them to be awed by the fact that sex is a sacred gift, invented by God, to unite two people in worship of the Creator. When I was in high school a friend told me she thought open-marriage was no big deal. “You’re telling me, you wouldn’t mind if your husband had sex with other people?” I asked. I’ll never forget her response: “For you sex is this big, special thing. I don’t see it that way. For me, it’s just sex.” It was the first time I realized that Christians are more passionate about sex than non-Christians.
Help them see themselves as IMAGE-BEARERS of God. I once counseled a teenage girl with a laundry list of heartache: cutting, bulimia, bisexuality. You know what she sobbed the most over? Her father. She never believed he loved her. As we talked the strangest memory came to mind. I was a teenager, working on the computer with my feet on the desk. My dad walked by and said, “Look at those cute toes!” At the time it embarrassed me. Oh my gosh, Dad, I’m not 3 years old. But sitting with this girl I realized just how deeply I have always been assured of my father’s love. There’s never been a moment when I doubted that even my toes were precious to him. And without realizing it, I carried this confidence into my relationships with guys. I believed I was made in God’s image (Gen. 1:27) and worth respecting, because my father–the first man I ever knew–treated me as such.
Assure them of your UNCONDITIONAL love and forgiveness. Of all the times my parents talked with me about purity, the conversation that stands out the most wasn’t about staying pure, it was about failing to be pure. My mom said, “I want you to know that if you wind up pregnant, or make every mistake there is, I will always love you and be there for you.” Looking back, I realize she chose to motivate me the way Christ does, with a relationship, not with fear and the pressure to perform. Which brings me to my final point.
Let them know that NOTHING is off-limits when it comes to talking with you.Kids quickly learn to test the water before diving in. When he was in middle school, an old friend of mine asked his dad if he’d ever had “weird” dreams…you know, like about girls? At the time my friend was probably doing a whole lot morethan just dreaming about girls, but he was lobbing a softball question at his dad. His father frowned, barked, “No!” and that was the first and last conversation they ever had about purity. Having a voice into the lives of our kids starts with having an ear into their world.
Final Thoughts If I employed every one of these principles, would it guarantee that my kids are protected from the pain of impurity? Of course not. We’re called to faithfully shepherd our children, but the results are always in God’s hand…which is really the best part. If God could turn the greatest persecutor of the church into the greatest missionary for the church, He can use the most sexually active teenager to one day impact the world for Christ. And He can use an imperfect mom with a painful past to begin a legacy of godliness in her family. We serve a God who delights in using foolish, weak, and lowly things for His great glory, so together we may boast in Christ alone (1 Cor 1:27-31).
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If anyone could do a fantastic job raising a Pharisee, it’s me. I have always identified more with the elder brother than the prodigal son, a dangerous association indeed. Recently a mom contacted me to ask for advice about helping her two-year-old daughter recognize her need for Jesus. I was so touched by this mom’s passionate desire to point her young daughter to Christ as the only hope for righteousness. It is the exact opposite of Pharisaism, which looks to oneself for righteousness. The question got me thinking about the three biggest mistakes I’ve made as a parent that point my children toward works-based performance:
1. Get more excited about what they do, then who they’re becoming. “Mommy look, I drew a stick.” “OH MY GOODNESS, IT’S FABULOUS!!!!!” That’s me. A year ago a statement in C.J. Mahaney’s book Humility changed my perspective. He wrote that he reserves his highest praise for examples of true greatness–sacrifice, humility, love, service–the things Jesus has deemed great. I realized I do cartwheels over my kids’ artwork and say, “that’s kind” when they share their toys. I still show delight in their artwork and dance moves and all the other skills they love to show me, but I try to reserve greater excitement for evidence of Christ at work in their lives. Because at the end of the day it’s not about what they can do. It’s about what Christ has done, and continues to do, for them.
2. Give them credit for acts of righteousness. Around the time my firstborn turned two years old, I began exclaiming “Good girl!” whenever she obeyed. Since obedience from a two-year-old can be a rare commodity, the words were like honey on my tongue: “Good girl! You obeyed Mommy!” One day she walked through the house declaring, “I a good girl!” And just like that it hit me. No. Actually you’re not. My little girls are many things–precious, beautiful, sensitive, smart…but they are not inherently good. The Bible teaches that there is none righteous (Rom 3:10), that all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory (Rom 3:23). The last thing I want to do is make my daughters foolishly believe that they don’t need God, when in reality, apart from Christ, all their good works are filthy rags before God (Is 64:6). I started saying, “Wise choice! Jesus helped you obey Mommy! He helped you make a wise choice! Isn’t He great?” Two years later, that same sweet child has caught me giving her praise multiple times and said, “Jesus helped me do it, Mommy.” I’ve never been so blessed to be corrected.
3. Compare them to others. As an education major in college I was taught that a “positive” method of correcting wrong behavior is to praise right behavior. So when you notice Steven acting like a hooligan, you loudly say, “I like the way Johnny is sitting quietly.” At best it’s manipulative, at worst it’s Pharisaism in training. But it’s so tempting because it’s effective. Johnny’s chest puffs up, Steven’s shoulders sag, and the hooligan is back in line. At home it looks like this: “Look at your big brother. Is he swinging from the chandelier?” Before long, every time you correct the little brother, the big brother will point out his obedience for you. “I am not interrupting. I am sitting still. I am listening.” You want to raise a Pharisee? This is one of the fastest ways. And I confess, I’m guilty as charged.
Final Thoughts Lest any of this discourage you, let me remind you of what I remind myself almost daily. I am journeying by grace. This whole parenthood thing is hard. So often I make mistakes without even realizing I’m making them. And even when I know what I should be doing, often I fail anyway. I don’t know any greater hope than the Truth that Jesus is sovereign over my parenting. If He could use twelve weak and broken disciples to build His worldwide church, He can use one weak and broken Mama to demonstrate the glory of His gospel to the children He has entrusted to her.
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Years ago in a Marriage and Family class, my professor drew big circles on the whiteboard to represent family systems. He talked about “closed” systems and “open” systems, and all sorts of other terms that eventually filled his circles with arrows and scribbles and a general sense of disorder. This holiday season I found myself thinking a lot about those circles.
Every day I live in my own circle. It’s the “Me and Husband Family System.” It has its own set of priorities, entertainment preferences, conflicts, and agreements. This Thanksgiving we loaded up the minivan, drove four hours, rang my parents’ doorbell, and stepped back into the “circle” that raised me. Mom and Dad’s family system. It was as familiar as my mom’s fried rice, and yet it fit like skinny jeans after a pregnancy. How can something that made you who you are, no longer fit who you’ve become?
My answer came three weeks later when Christmas rolled around and we spent a week living in another “circle,” the one that raised my husband. I realized that marriage is a little like tossing two family systems into a bag and shaking it until they smooth each other out. In the end what you take out of the bag is entirely new.
Sometimes it’s beautiful, like a stone polished with friction. And sometimes it’s broken. Sometimes we realize the pieces we were given were never whole to begin with, and trying to build something healthy is like assembling a bicycle with broken parts. Even if we can make it look normal on the outside, it will never race down a road. So how do we make peace with family systems? Here’s what I’ve been mulling over:
Recognize that every family system is flawed. From the moment sin entered the world, nobody had a shot at doing this “family” thing perfectly. So, what if we just admitted it? What if we gave our parents, and our in-laws, and our parents’ parents the freedom to be human? To have made mistakes that impact us and yet to be treated with dignity, love, and forgiveness–the same way Christ has treated us?
Acknowledge the specific failings of the family system. I think there are two unhealthy tendencies for dealing with the failures of a family system. We either want to sweep them under the rug, or we want to frame them on the mantel. Neither is beneficial. Think about your own children. Would you really want them to pretend they haven’t been hurt or negatively impacted by the mistakes you’ve made? To quietly grow bitter toward you? Or worse yet, to repeat those mistakes? As terrifying as exposing the failures of a family system can be, when it’s done with a commitment to love one another, it can be liberating. Messy as a bachelor pad, but liberating.
Lay the past to rest. None of us own a time machine. Which is why framing past failures on the mantel is so devastating. Nobody wants to be defined by their mistakes, nor made to pay for them again and again. At some point we have to deal with the ugly under the rug, then forgive and lay the past to rest. Throw it in the trash with the turkey carcass and all the other things we’re officially “done” with. That is grace. And we all need it.
Accept personal responsibility for the family system you’re creating. Believe me, I know how comforting it can be to blame someone else for all the things you dislike about yourself. Your inability to trust. Your penchant for shutting people out. That anger problem you have. But the hard truth is nobody will be held accountable for our lives except us. The beautiful side to that truth is we’re not slaves to the past. In Christ we have everything we need for life and godliness (2 Pe 1:3), everything we need to grow, to change, and to overcome.
As I move into this new year, I’m reminded again that Jesus is the essence and the fullness of Hope, one of my favorite things about Him. There is no hurt He can’t heal, no relationship He can’t restore, and no failure He can’t redeem. His presence within us is our hope of glory (Col. 1:27). Our only hope of glory.
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Fear was the first thing that ever drove me to God. It wasn’t fear of God, it was fear of everything else. As a small child I lived in constant fear that my parents would die. By the time I was eleven-years-old I had developed an enslaving fear of demons that I would battle for nearly four years. I remember telling my mom I didn’t believe I would ever break free. But I did. One painstaking day at a time, my parents taught me to quote Truth in the face of fear over and over again, sometimes thirty times a day. And then twenty. And then ten, as the bouts grew smaller and my faith grew bigger. Until one day I realized I couldn’t remember the last time a fear of demons had controlled me.
That journey radically influenced my perspective of fear. It took the “fear” out of fear because it taught me that fear is conquerable. It taught me that fear is really all about deception. It’s about fooling us into forgetting the character and reality of God. I love the way the Jesus Storybook Bible captures the account of Jesus calming the storm. “Why were you scared?” Jesus asked. “Did you forget who I Am? Did you believe your fears, instead of me?”
Even as I type the words, my heart whispers yes. Yes, Jesus, even as an adult I forget who You are. I am tempted, continually, to believe my fears instead of You. Recently, a new mom contacted me to suggest I write about fear, specifically in parenting. This is a portion of what she wrote:
Since becoming a mom, one thing that I didn’t expect was the fear that has accompanied my new role. Fear that I’m not doing a good job, fear that I’ll hurt him, fear that I hear him crying while he’s napping and I’m in the shower, fear he will wake up in the middle of the night screaming, fear that he’s not eating right, fear that he’ll have allergies…the list goes on and on.
Can you relate? I sure can. Parenting has this unique way of opening up worlds of fear we didn’t even contemplate pre-children. And unfortunately (as wiser moms have taught me) the temptation to fear doesn’t bid you farewell when your kids get older. It only grows and expands like spaghetti in a pot. Either get a handle on it, or call Strega Nona!
So how do we get a handle on it? The same way I did seventeen years ago. By claiming the Truth in the face of fear, moment by scary moment. In regard to parenting, here are some common fears I’ve brainstormed. (Feel free to add more in the comments below.)
Common Fears
Trustworthy Truths
Physical
Life-threatening sickness or injury will befall my child.
“All the days ordained for (my child) were written in Your book before one of them came to be.” Ps. 139:16
My child will fall into the hands of evil people (kidnapping, abuse…etc.)
“Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of (my child’s) head are numbered. So don’t be afraid; (your child) is worth more than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:28-31
Something will be “wrong” with my child developmentally.
“For You created (my child’s) inmost being; you knit (him/her) together in (my) womb. I praise you because (my child) is fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Ps. 139:13-14
My child will experience unique suffering because of a disability.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore (my child can) boast all the more gladly about (his/her) weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on (him/her). For Christ’s sake, (my child can) delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when (my child) is weak, then (my child) is strong.” 2 Cor. 12:9-10
Emotional/Social
My child will be rejected by peers.
“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Gal. 1:10
My child will experience failure in school that damages his/her self-esteem.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Rom. 8:28My child’s identity must be rooted in Christ (Eph 1, 2 Pt. 2:9).
A trauma we’re going through in our family (such as divorce or chronic illness) will adversely affect my child’s emotional well-being.
“I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him…” 2 Tim. 1:12
Spiritual
My child will reject God.
“No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him.” Jn. 6:44“(The Lord) is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9
Ungodly peers will influence my child.
“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Pro. 22:6“…He who began a good work in (my child) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil. 1:6
I am an inadequate spiritual leader; I will “mess my child up.”
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God–not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Eph. 2:8-10
The sinful strongholds in my life will be passed on to my child.
“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” 2 Cor. 5:17
Obviously, I don’t believe we should claim these verses then sit back and do nothing to prepare our kids for ungodly influences, or counsel them through family trials. The Bible calls us to train our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph 6:4). But ultimately, their lives–the days and experiences allotted for them–are in the hands of God (Acts 17:24-27).
Years ago, my mother spoke a Bible verse over my life. “Him shall you fear, Him shall you dread, and He shall become your sanctuary” (Isaiah 8:13). I didn’t understand it at the time, but it’s beautiful to me now. The secret to freedom from fear is fear of God. If you and I tremble at the power, dominion, and Lordship of God Almighty, we will tremble at nothing else. We will remember that the Captain of the Storm is still in the boat. And He will become our sanctuary.
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Today is a day when the thought of putting on a nice outfit and going to work almost brings tears of longing to my eyes. The thought of having projects to accomplish on a computer instead of in the kitchen, of being treated like a professional instead of a referee, of having an hour for lunch during which nobody will demand I get up 79 times to get them more milk or another slice of cheese. Today is a day when I don’t want to clean up the 17 pieces of colorful tissue paper my kids decorated the floor with and then spilled water all over, a day when i don’t want to hear fights or demands or crying of any kind.
Today is a day when I’m sick of Rapunzel, sick of runny noses, and sick of my own guilt. A day when I catch myself dreaming of freedom and wondering why I’m so afraid to admit that sometimes motherhood feels suffocating.
Today is a day that makes me grateful for the cross. Grateful that Jesus called me not to a life of happiness, but of faithfulness. Today is a day when I feel how much I need Him. A day when I will keep loving, keep serving, and keep worshipping, because today Jesus is enough.
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I’ve referenced Passionate Homemaking’s article about the 7 purposes of the home a few times now because I’m on a mission to meditate on each purpose, prayerfully applying them to our home. After thinking through ways to cultivate a more restful home, I’m on to purpose #2: The Home as a Place of Learning God’s Truth. So how can I more intentionally teach my kids? I’ve started by recognizing that there are two different forms of teaching.
PROACTIVE TEACHING Sometimes the role of homemaker feels like a bad episode of Survivor. Live through the day, make whatever alliances are necessary to maintain the peace, and if push comes to shove close one eye when somebody’s eating a bug. But deep down I know I’m called to more than just “surviving” the little years. I’m called to faithfully shepherd my children in the Truth of Jesus Christ. This won’t happen accidentally. So here’s what I’ve been brainstorming:
Pick a Weekly Bible Story to Study–Rather than reading one new Bible story every day, a wise friend suggested focusing on one Bible story per week with my toddler and preschooler. Not only do kids love repetition, but this approach takes less prep time and allows us to slow down and go deeper.
Have Questions Ready & Waiting–At the start of each week when you pick a Bible story, write a list of age-appropriate questions that are related to the gospel theme of the story. Then utilize all those natural talking times during the day (bedtime, lunchtime, craft time…etc.) to discuss some of the questions.
Memorize Scripture–I always underestimate my kids’ ability to retain information. But even a 2-year-old (and some 18 month olds!) can repeat a simple Bible verse, especially if you practice it with hand motions.
Recite Catechisms–Say what? I know. I’d never heard of a catechism until recently. Catechisms are just statements that express the foundations of Christianity, usually posed in question and answer form. (“Who made you?” “God made me.”) Catechisms for Young Childrenis based on the Westminster Shorter Catechism, and is a great place to start. The moment your child begins to speak, you can start teaching him these simple statements. The goal is not for him to understand it all right away, but to plant seeds of Truth within his heart that he will grow to understand in time.
REACTIVE TEACHING
Do you remember that annoying boy in gym class who would throw a dodgeball at your head and yell, “Think fast!” This is how I picture reactive teaching. It’s teaching in the context of the moment. “They said I can’t play with them.” (Think fast!) “Why did you argue with Daddy?” (Think fast!) “I will NEVER share my toys again!” (Think fast!) Sometimes I don’t know what to say, and sometimes I’m so depleted I honestly don’t care. In both instances, it’s tempting to use worldly wisdom to solve the problem (“Their game looks boring anyway.” “Sometimes people just argue.” “Be nice or you will never have friends!”)
But to do this is to miss a MASSIVE opportunity! Where proactive teaching presents the gospel, reactive teaching applies the gospel to the reality of your child’s life. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 talks about this kind of teaching: “These words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” Clearly this is an all day, every day, lifestyle kind of teaching. And as always, the ability to undertake such a task comes only by walking with God in His ever sufficient grace.
Final Thoughts
Are you ready for my true confession time? My kids eat lunch in front of the TV on busy days, we haven’t read a Bible story all week, and right now one of my kids is banging on my door begging me to hurry up so we can play. Have I ever mentioned that I blog as much for myself as for others? That being said, I welcome your great ideas for intentionally teaching your children God’s Truth. What routines have you put into practice in your home? What books have been helpful? What practices have been fruitful?
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I was twenty-five years old when I signed up for a Facebook account, and in many ways I can’t imagine how my middle and high school experience would’ve been impacted had the world of social media been available to me. Which is probably why the notion of raising my kids in this Brave New World feels so intimidating. With that in mind, I turned to a group of older, wiser moms of children 10-18 years old. I asked them several questions regarding kids and social media, and from their responses drafted 5 basic principles for parenting in the digital generation.
1. Know Your Child
This was one of the most compelling statements I heard from a mom: “I think young people behave online as they behave in their day to day lives. If you see pettiness and dishonesty day to day, it will come out online. If the day to day habit of life is to act with honesty and respect, the same will occur in their electronic communication.” In this same vein, a few of the moms I polled adopt a zero social media policy, simply because they believe their children aren’t ready for it.
2. Establish Ground Rules
The #1 rule the vast majority of moms either established or wished they had established was to keep all computers, X-boxes, and televisions out of their child’s bedroom and in a public living area. Alongside this, virtually every mom agreed that it was wise or would’ve been wise to keep cell phones out of their child’s room overnight. The second most widely adopted rule was that parents had to be privy to all social media activity. While some parents simply “friend” or subscribe to their children’s on-line profiles, others require the password so they can see all private messages as well. One dad who requires his kids to hand over their passwords explained to me that the notion of “privacy” for a teenager is bogus when it comes to social media, because by its very nature social media is a public sphere. Naturally, rules entail consequences. When one mom discovered that her kids had used iPods to secretly open up Instagram accounts, she took away the iPods–not because her kids had created accounts, but because they’d done it deceptively.
3. Educate Your Kids
In addition to ground rules, most parents talked to their kids about the dangers of the Internet, the permanence of what’s posted on it, and the fact that what we write shapes how we’re viewed. As a former teacher, I remember sitting in a meeting as the headmaster announced that for the first time our school was making the decision to expel a student for Facebook activity which the student refused to erase. The lesson? Writing on-line is not the same as writing in a journal, and kids need to realize that the consequences aren’t the same either.
4. Put Technology to Work for You I loved this mom’s practical advice: “I think the best thing we ever did was pay 5 dollars a month for parental controls on our Verizon account. It was easy to manage and I could set it up and change it to fit whatever situation arose. I could have the phone go off at certain times on school nights and extend the hours on weekends. I could block numbers of certain “friends” altogether. I could also see who was texting, when and how much. I couldn’t see the text but just the amount of time spent texting.” This same mom also made me aware of the free “Life 360” app, which can be installed on your children’s phones to track where they are, a particularly helpful tool when they’re old enough to drive. She said, “We never ran up against any of the kids feeling like Big Brother was watching because we implemented most of these things early and they just became accepted.”
5. Use Social Media as an Opportunity for Biblical Instruction
One thing is for sure: when it comes to social media, there’s a steep learning curve, which (yes) makes us nervous but also presents an awesome opportunity for real life training. Whether the scenario is as mild as a child posting something she later regrets, or as significant as ruining relationships and losing friends over a post (both real stories moms shared with me), social media gives us the opportunity to teach in the context of the moment. And it’s not all about protection and prevention–social media has HUGE positive potential for influence. One mom said her kids use Facebook to share their faith and promote youth group activities. Amen! I’m actually Facebook friends with her kids and can honestly say few things are more encouraging than seeing a high school boy openly and passionately proclaim the goodness of God via Facebook.
Final Thoughts After all my research was through, I noticed one over-arching pattern. The parents who felt the most positive toward social media were the ones whose kids talked to them about social media issues. In other words, the parents with the closest relationships to their children felt the most confident when it came to social media. Which leads me to a very interesting conclusion: I don’t think social media is really the issue. I think the real issue is the heart. Social media is just one more realm for the beliefs, desires, and motivations of the heart to expose itself.
Maybe, then, the focus of my concern shouldn’t really be a computer, but the souls of the two little girls God has graciously entrusted to me. Maybe the best thing I can do now to prepare my kids for the world of social media is to know my kids now. To play with them while they still want to play with me, listen to them while they still want to talk to me, build a relationship with them while I’m still their favorite person in the world. And one day when they ask for a Facebook account, after I’ve established rules and set up parental controls, I’ll remember that ultimately my Hope isn’t in any of those things. I’ll remember it’s in the One who has the power to protect and sanctify their hearts.
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The notion of raising a child with an “unbiased worldview” is growing increasingly popular. Parents want to raise children who are “free to find their own spirituality” without the bias of the parent’s preference. Conversely, attempting to raise a child with a biblical worldview seems to be going the way of high water pants and dial-up internet access. Not only is it unpopular, it’s often viewed as arrogant, controlling, and close-minded. Parents are seen as “imposing their worldview” upon their children, even “brainwashing” them.
The issue is so loaded that I’ve heard Christian parents question whether or not they should raise their children spiritually “neutral.” It just seems so intolerant, even manipulative, to teach an impressionable young child that God is real. That God created her in His own image for His own glory. That she inherited a sin nature from Adam. And that God loves her so passionately that He Himself died in her place to save her.
But here’s the bottom line–every parent raises their child with a biased worldview. We are constantly teaching our children how to view the world, whether we “mean to” or not. Every time they see us rejoice or get angry, we are teaching them something about what we value. The fact that you probably choose to raise your children in a home, with food and clothing teaches them that you find those things important. And if you get down on one knee and tell them that they can determine who God is for themselves, or that they can accept or reject any religion with no consequences–you are not raising them spiritually neutral. You are raising them with a very particular, biased worldview.
Thus the question isn’t should we influence our child’s worldview. Like it or not, we’re already doing that. The real question is how should we influence it? If you are a believer, the Bible gives you an answer. In Deuteronomy 6:6-7, after exhorting the Israelites to love the One True God with their whole hearts, Moses issues a mighty charge: “And these words…shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”
Clearly Christians are to be intentional about raising their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Pro. 19:18, 22:6, 23:19; Eph 6:4) recognizing that only God has the power to save (John 6:44). Fulfilling this biblical mandate is loving not controlling. Think about it this way–you and I teach our children countless things from the moment they’re born. We teach them that the bump below their eyes is called a “nose” and that cows say “moo.” Nobody calls us close-minded or accuses us of “brainwashing” when we do this. Inherently, they recognize our teaching as truth. So dear Christian, if you really believe Christ’s claims are as true and real as the nose on your daughter’s face, how could you not teach them to her? How could you withhold the very Truth that has the power to save her soul on the grounds of allowing her the freedom to “find her own way”? If you’re willing to teach her that there’s a nose on her face, be willing to teach her the truths that matter so much more than that.
If you don’t believe the claims of Christ, then I understand why you wouldn’t teach them to your children. I don’t judge you for influencing your child according to your personal beliefs. But I do urge you not to judge Christians for doing the same thing, and not to deceive yourself into believing you are raising your child neutrally.
One final thing: To those of you who don’t know what you think of God, to those who are indifferent to Him, and those who hate Him–I wholeheartedly believe God loves you more than you could ever fathom (Romans 5:6-8) and longs to have a relationship with you (2 Peter 3:9). Regardless of what you’ve done or what’s been done to you, He is faithful and trustworthy. He is capable of bringing beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:1-3), of restoring what’s been lost (Joel 2:25), and of making you a new creation in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17).
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becomes beautiful because over the years we have wrestled all the rocks and roots out of that stubborn land, and we have made it valuable. 
Loving My Lot 