The first time Aubrey went on an Easter egg hunt, she found five eggs. Well really I found them, which was quite an accomplishment given all the four-year-old boys with Spiderman-like vision. Not only could they spot an egg ten yards away, they could thrust their entire torso into a prickly bush to get it. Me, not so much.
At the end of the hunt, everybody sat down to eat their candy. I couldn’t help but glance at the overflowing buckets around me. With a sigh, I began to pop open Aubrey’s eggs. Two of them were empty. She ate her candy in roughly three seconds and looked around. I wondered if she realized what a losing team we made. I can still see her wearing her little pink chick shirt, watching everybody else eat their candy, clutching an empty yellow basket in her fist.
I’ve never loved her more.
Any parent will tell you that we love our children unconditionally. Like the rope that tethers a boat to shore, our love braves calm and stormy weather. But there’s something about seeing a child in a moment of vulnerability that elicits special affection. Ask any parent how they felt the first time they watched their child be rejected by peers, and you’ll glimpse the emotion. It’s loyalty and love, compassion and tenderness all mixed together. And now as Easter approaches a single thought keeps running through my mind.
I wonder if God sees me in my vulnerable moments, and feels the same way toward me as I felt toward Aubrey. I wonder if His heart is touched in a special way when I’m the child with the empty basket. The child who’s hurting. The child who’s failed, or lost, or been rejected.
Because God is omniscient, I sometimes picture Him unaffected by the sorrows of my life. I assume He’s always calm, cool, and collected—reminding me that He has a plan, so why don’t I quit my sniffling and get on with it? But the Bible reveals a very different God, One who meets His children intimately and passionately in their lowest moments. The God of the Bible is One who longed to gather His wayward children into His arms as a hen gathers her chicks (Luke 13:34). He is the God whose compassion overflowed at the very thought of giving up on faithless Israel (Hosea 11:8). The God who saw Hagar. The God who communed with Job. The God who wrestled with Jacob. Even when it was their own sin that put them in the pit, God met them where they were.
I love that about Him.
I love that the God of the Universe doesn’t watch us from afar, but gets His hands dirty in the messy reality of our lives. I love that He wrestles us until we no longer resist Him, but cling to Him and desperately beg for His blessing. Is there any other god in the history of world religions who would condescend to such a level? Who would allow Himself to be so intimately involved, so emotionally affected, by the lives and hearts of humans? And yet the God of the Bible goes even further–not only meeting us where we are, but becoming one of us. Can you just imagine God Almighty as a baby? The God of the Universe sitting in His own poop, waiting for someone to come clean Him up? It’s baffling! Could He have taken any form more vulnerable? More utterly defenseless? More humble?
And to think I imagine Him unaffected by the sorrows of my life. Unable to relate.
He literally came down from Heaven and walked in the same human flesh I now walk in. Only He did it perfectly, and then died a gruesome death–enduring the wrath I deserved–in order to rescue me. You know what I think? I think the maternal love I feel for my children in their empty-Easter-egg-basket moments doesn’t hold a candle to the depth of emotion He feels for us.
I still remember this moment. Heidi and I had just come home from the hospital. No sooner had I hobbled upstairs then Aubrey begged to hold her. Clint whipped out the camera. I gently laid Heidi in her lap. The three of us beamed. Heidi snored. It was sheer bliss.
So many of the struggles I had as a new mom simply weren’t present the second time around, thanks to a little more experience and a lot more perspective. Nevertheless, transitioning from one child to two presented its own unique challenges. Because I know several moms who are about to embark on the journey, I figured it was as good a topic as any to write about.
This article was particularly fun to put together because I didn’t rely solely on my own experiences. Instead I polled twelve mothers of two and asked them to candidly share the greatest challenges they faced when baby #2 came along, as well as their best advice. Their responses were surprisingly similar. Here’s the top three challenges they shared:
1. Balancing Your Time
Picture all the responsibilities you currently have with child #1 (laundry, cooking, cleaning, play time, discipline…etc.) Baby #2 comes soft, sweet, and fully loaded with a dump truck worth of new responsibilities to drop on top of your old ones. So how do you meet everybody’s needs and not end up with a home fit for Hoarders: Buried Alive? Here’s some of the advice moms shared:
Maintain perspective: the transition will soon be over and life will settle back into a routine. To quote one mom, “Focus on the love you have for your children and your family as a whole [instead of all that needs to be done].”
ASK FOR HELP. This is not a sign of weakness, just humility. The last person who needs to be putting pressure on you is you.
Try to stay home as long as possible after your baby is born. This will give you more time to adjust.
Take the time to get back into shape. With all that needs to be done, it’s easy to put yourself on the back burner. But scheduling a little time to exercise can go a long way toward restoring your energy and boosting your spirits.
Pray in front of your kids when you need patience and strength. (There will be instances when the baby is screaming to be fed just as your toddler spills a quart of craft glue on the floor and bursts into tears. In that moment, this advice is a great alternative to bursting into tears yourself.)
Get them both napping at the same time. Having a few hours to yourself each day can make all the difference in the world.
2. Helping Your Firstborn Adjust Imagine if your husband came home one day and said, “Sweetheart, this is Suzie. She’s going to be my second wife. She’ll live with us forever, share all your stuff, and occupy a lot of my attention. Try and make her feel welcome.” When a new baby comes along, your firstborn’s world shifts. How he or she adjusts can depend on a lot of things—age, gender, temperament, personality, and even the temperament of the new baby. The moms I polled expressed their stories so beautifully that I’m going to let them share the myriad of emotions and challenges they faced:
“The greatest challenge in having a second child was love. I had intense fear and guilt that I would be introducing someone else into our already full lives with a two year old who had stolen my heart.”
“[When my toddler fell out of her highchair] I chose to keep feeding [my baby] while watching [my husband] comfort her. And I watched as she didn’t turn to me. She has become used to sharing me enough that she didn’t request me this time. It hurt because…she has become use to the fact that I won’t always be there for her. I now have two children to love and tend to.”
“There were times when [my son] would say, “[The baby] eat again?” every hour and I felt so bad that I had to time out whatever it was we were doing in order to nurse. There were times where I saw his jealousy and he would hold a screwdriver or packing tape over [the baby’s] head. I would talk to other moms of more than one kid and I got some looks. No one admitted to struggling.”
“I was completely unprepared for baby #2 because baby #1 was so easy. I just assumed that baby #2 would be laid back and follow his brother’s lead. I envisioned being able to set him down while I cooked dinner or attended to potty training my oldest. The first night when I tried to put him down in his crib, he wouldn’t have it and wailed his little heart out. He ended up sleeping in my bed for a couple of weeks before I could wean him into his crib. I spent most of my afternoons holding him because he’d cry the second I set him down. He would cry for hours and hours and I soon felt like I was going to lose my mind.” My advice is to love your baby EXACTLY the way God made him/her. I know that sounds basic and obvious but it’s far too easy to play the comparison game. Whether it’s comparing him to your firstborn or to your friends’ children; when your expectations aren’t met it’s easy to allow the root of discontentment to take place. I have learned to accept my son for who he is instead of comparing him to his brother or to other babies. I love him fiercely and wouldn’t trade him for a hundred ‘easy’ babies.”
Here’s some more advice they shared:
As much as possible, include your older child in baby’s activities—helping to get a diaper, hold a bottle…etc. Making your child a “helper” is a great way to get things done and still spend quality time with him/her. Toddlers can snap green beans, wipe down the bathroom floor, and tidy right alongside you.
Be HONEST about the challenges. Seek out other moms for authentic vulnerability and encouragement.
Teach your firstborn some basic skills: how to wait until mom can come (patience), how to be relatively quiet when baby is sleeping (self-control and loving others), and how to dress himself or get his own snack with permission (independence.)
Do something quiet with your older child while nursing the baby, such as reading a book or helping make a puzzle.
3. Going to the Grocery Store…or Anywhere at All! “A [big] challenge was getting out of the house, especially to grocery shop. Making sure you have everything you might possibly need in the diaper bag and both kids with clean diapers before you walk out the door because the last thing you want is a buggy full of groceries and then having to find a convenient place in a grocery store to change a diaper while begging the older child to stay put and not touch anything. Or wearing the baby in a sling when the infant poo comes out of the diaper and you can feel it soaking through your clothes and onto your skin…” Ah, motherhood at its finest 🙂 Here’s some advice:
Plan ahead. Make a grocery list, preferably in order according to where things are placed in the store so you can get in and GET OUT.
If possible, leave the kids with your husband. Get a latte on the way to the grocery store and it’ll feel like a vacation.
Store an emergency kit of extra clothes, diapers, and snacks in the car.
When people inevitably remark that, “Gee golly, you’ve got your hands full!!” smile and say, “Yes, I’m very blessed!”
Final Thoughts Yesterday my two little girls squealed and giggled and played outside together for two hours while I raked leaves. At 3 and 1 ½ they’ve invented a host of games—spinning the baby in the baby swing, chasing through the yard, hiding behind the trees, and of course kicking all Mommy’s leaves out of their piles. When Aubrey runs inside, Heidi cries after her. When Heidi falls down, Aubrey runs to kiss her.
At the beginning of this article, I told you to imagine all the responsibilities you have, and then to picture a dump truck worth of new ones plopping on top. Now picture all the love that you have. Imagine that dump truck filled to the brink with more love, more gratitude, and more delight than you ever thought possible, just waiting to overflow on your family. That’s what it’s like to have a second child. Heidi has taken the love we had in our family and made it all the more complete. In the words of one mom, “Having our second knocked the wind out of me just like getting married or having our first child. It brought me closer to the character of God. It opened my eyes to the possibility and reality that love is an overwhelming force. That when it is shared and open wide it intensifies in hue and grows bolder with the circumstances. When [my baby] was born I loved my first child even more and taught him how to love even more.”
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Several months ago Clint came home from work with a surprise. He pulled a tiny princess coloring book out of his pocket and handed it to Aubrey. Sheer ecstasy erupted. She danced in circles, hugged him at least ten times, and profusely thanked him. Then she sat down and colored every single page.
While she was occupied, I turned to him and asked, “Where did you get it?”
“The trashcan,” he replied.
It still makes me laugh. I can picture her intently bent over each picture, carefully coloring, while Clint and I crack up in the kitchen.
Sometimes when I feel truly depleted, I think about Aubrey and her coloring book, and I wonder how much of what I treasure in my life is actually garbage. I’ve never been physically anorexic, but there are spells when I feel spiritually anorexic. I feast on all sorts of garbage—entertainment, distractions, rigid scheduling, my own ability to perform—everything but Jesus. As a result, I’m crammed to the gills and starving just the same. And somehow in this state, I manage to keep going for a really long time. After all, the dishes always need washing, the kids always need feeding, and the floors always need sweeping. So I truck along like the Energizer Bunny, ignoring all the signs of spiritual starvation, until one day the battery of my own effort finally runs dry. Something touches this raw, cavernous hunger in my soul for Jesus, and before I know it, I’m crying and I’m not even sure why.
It’s ironic isn’t it? God is ever present—the feast of His presence lies before me, and I pass the days munching on cocktail peanuts. And I wonder why I’m so hungry. The first blessed assurance God has given me in this journey, is that the food is there. It is possible for all the longings of my heart to be satisfied in Jesus. But how? How do I find fulfillment in Christ amid the daily drudgery? These two principles are helping me more than any other:
Practicing the Presence of Christ
Running a home is incredibly monotonous. Not only are the tasks menial, few ever remain “finished,” which can make you feel a little like Sisyphus endlessly rolling the rock (or laundry basket) uphill. But what if we changed our perspective to recognize the vast reward in the “doing” rather than the “accomplishing”? Unlike the world, Christ does not ask us to achieve. He asks us to be faithful. Thus, as Oswald Chambers writes, “drudgery is the touchstone of character.” Look at Jesus Himself, who washed the disciples’ feet. Can’t you picture Him changing diapers with great joy and love? I can, because no calling from the Father was ever too menial for Jesus. He came to serve, to love the least of these, and to do it with or without the praise of men. How then, can I refuse to do the same for Him? Brother Lawrence, who lived out his days as a kitchen aide in a monastery, wrote, “I turn the cake that is frying on the pan for love of him, and that done, if there is nothing else to call me, I prostrate myself in worship before him, who has given me grace to work; afterwards I rise happier than a king. It is enough for me to pick up but a straw from the ground for the love of God.” Like Brother Lawrence, you and I can practice the presence of Christ every time we wipe Desitin on a rash-y bottom, and rise happier than a king! And therein lies the secret to running a home with joy and purpose. We are doing all things as an act of love and worship for Him (I Corinthians 10:31).
Resting in the Presence of Christ
I find that practicing the presence of Christ in the hectic chores of the day is always easier when I spend quiet moments resting in Him. Sometimes these moments come first thing in the morning, sometimes during nap time, and sometimes last in the day. Either way, they are crucial because these are the moments when I feast. I lay all my longings before Him, and I am overcome by His intense love for me in spite of my unworthiness. To quote the Jesus Storybook Bible, His love makes me lovely. His love makes my life lovely.
At times I’m tempted to skip these moments with God for love of a lesser idol, and at times I’m tempted to fulfill them dutifully and rigidly like a slave. I know both attitudes must break His heart. Yet graciously, every time I come to Him—whether for love of Him or love of myself—He meets me. At the height of my joy, He meets me. In the pit of my sorrow, He meets me. In the thick of my drudgery, He meets me.
Surely, you and I don’t have to run on empty! Not with a God like this. We can run on His power and by His grace. We can run through the happiness, through the failure, and through the ten million dirty diapers ahead. We can run in the very presence of Jesus.
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I mentioned in a previous post, (which one friend has affectionately termed my “psychotic food manifesto”) that we have a weekly veggie night at our house. I was inspired by Cracker Barrel since my kids love their “veggie plate,” which is really just four sides of your choice. I figured I could do the same thing at home for a little less money and a lot less butter. So I made a list of all our favorite Southern-style sides, and each week I pick four or five from the list below. It’s kid-friendly, cheap, and relatively simple to prepare. I explained how to prepare some of the less common vegetables in a previous post, and have linked them accordingly. Just to be thorough (and not to insult your intelligence!) I’ve briefly explained how I prepare the other sides.
Baked Sweet Potato–bake at 400° for about an hour and sprinkle with cinnamon. (A tip I learned from my MIL: If you want to eat the nutrient-packed skin, rub it in olive oil. It’ll keep it extra moist and tasty.)
Biscuits/Cornbread–a “reward” for eating all the veggies 🙂
Cinnamon Apples—you can mix fresh apples with some cinnamon and brown sugar and microwave them until soft, or toss them in olive oil and bake them at 400 until soft
Collard Greens—I’ve linked this to my original post, but must share that a reader introduced me to Goya Ham Stock as a tasty alternative to chicken broth for collard greens. Great tip!
Corn on the Cob/Cream Corn—chop the kernels off the cob, then run the dull side of the knife blade over the cob to scrape out any milk. Sauté kernels in butter 3-5 minutes. Add some milk (or half and half), salt and pepper to taste. Mix cornstarch with cold water and spoon some into the corn to thicken.
Fried Okra—it’s a lot of work to make fresh, so I buy this frozen and sauté in olive oil
Green Beans—simmer in chicken broth until tender (it’s also tasty to add chopped red potatoes and carrots and simmer it all together)
Honey Carrots—steam carrots, then toss lightly in butter and honey
Lima Beans/Butter Beans—simmer frozen beans in chicken broth until tender (in traditional Southern fashion, you can add “fat back” using bacon or ham if you want extra flavor. For a lighter version, omit the fat back)
Macaroni and Cheese (My friend, Amy Pearson shared this family recipe, and it’s my favorite! Thanks Amy!)
Ingredients:
1 ½ cups elbow macaroni
2 cups small curd cottage cheese
1 cup sour cream 1 egg, lightly beaten
8 oz. sharp cheddar cheese
salt/pepper to taste
Steps:
1. Boil and drain macaroni according to package directions.
2. Meanwhile, combine all other ingredients in a large bowl.
3. Mix together with cooked macaroni and bake uncovered at 350° for 45 min. Let stand 5 min. before serving.
Squash Casseriole (This delicious recipe comes from the Macon Jr League Cookbook: “Gracious Goodness.”)
Ingredients:
3 cups yellow squash, cubed and steamed until soft
4 Tbsps chopped onion
1 tsp salt
¼ tsp ground pepper
3 Tbsps butter, melted
2 eggs, beaten
1 cup saltine crackers, crumbled
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1 cup scalded milk
Steps:
1. Grease a 2-quart baking dish and preheat oven to 350°
2. Combine all ingredients in large mixing bowl, except milk.
3. Microwave milk for 1-2 minutes (to scald) and pour into bowl. Mix well.
4. Pour into prepared baking dish and bake for 1 hour.
Do you have any family dinner traditions? Or any tasty Southern veggies we can add to the list? Feel free to share–I’m always on the hunt for menu inspiration!
A godly mentor once told me that joy and sorrow are like two sides to a railroad track. Both run through our lives in surprisingly close proximity. At the time, I didn’t really get it. I believed the angst of college life would subside around the time I put on a pair of strappy black heels and received a diploma. And it did. Good-bye final exams, good riddance college drama. But surely as the dawn, new sorrows came. Indeed every season seems to have its share. Some are gigantic, others minor. But always, there is something. Something I want. Something I fear. Something that exhausts me. Something that confuses me. Something that disappoints me. In my life, I can always find something to complain about. I can always find a reason to be discontent. A reason to question God.
The ironic thing is, at the very same time there’s a track of joy running through my life. For every handful of cheerios shoved into the waffle iron (ugh!) there’s one little cheerio poked into a bellybutton that sets off a symphony of laughter. And for every private struggle with God, there is the promise of deeper intimacy, truer understanding, and richer communion. I think the secret to contentment lies in learning how to embrace both sides of the railroad track—the things in our lives we love, and the things in our lives we don’t. How do we do that? I’m glad you asked 🙂 I think it begins by…
Being Honest Contrary to Facebook myth, nobody enjoys everything about his or her life, because no life is untouched by the fall. The question is, are we being honest about the painful side of the track? Few things are more freeing than authenticity. And no people are freer to embrace authenticity than Christians because we have guaranteed acceptance! We are not judged according to how well we “have it all together,” how we perform, or how many people we can deceive into envying us. We live in the shadow of another Man’s perfection which forever declares us righteous, accepted, and loved! So we’re free to risk, to fail, to be rejected by the world, to be struggling, growing, and honest about it.
Conversely, nothing is more enslaving than deceit. When we can’t be real with anybody, including ourself, we live in a narrow prison of appearances. What’s more, honesty with God is paramount to a relationship with Him. Lying to yourself is denial. Lying to others is pretense. But lying to God is the very depths of loneliness.
Being Humble Once we’re honest about the trials in our life—and we quit pretending we’re not as disappointed as we really are—we can begin to view them through a lens of humility. Like the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down, humility can make the toughest trial easier to swallow, simply by putting it into perspective.
What this means is, it’s time to take your eyes off your belly button, and look up into the face of Christ. There is no quicker, truer way to cultivate humility. Believe me, nobody is more navel-focused than me. Just the other night I had a conversation with friends about how annoyingly introspective I am. Because of this, the “honesty” part is not really my struggle. The humility part is. Yet time and again humility proves to be my ticket to peace with suffering. For in light of Christ, my sorrows are pale, my indignation arrogant, and my “rights” ridiculous.
Being Hopeful So picture you and me—shamefully honest, pitifully humble, a bundle of unworthiness in His presence. Pretty pathetic, huh? Wouldn’t you know, our gracious God looks at us, and unlike the world, He does not despise us. As He said to Israel in the depth of her disgrace, “How can I give you up? My heart is turned over within Me; All my compassions are kindled” (Hosea 11:8).
In our honest, naked humility, Jesus Christ imparts hope. He has not left us. He has not ceased to love us. He is greater. Stronger. And in Him lies the victory. Often my disappointment with the painful track in my life is intertwined with discouragement over my own sinfulness. I shouldn’t have these feelings of anxiety, disappointment, or anger. I should be past this. Better than this. More mature in Christ than this. But there is a truth that continually sustains me. It is the mystery of Colossians 1:27—Christ in me, the hope of glory! Because Christ dwells in me, I always have hope. In Him I will overcome—both my circumstances and my sinfulness—and one day, by His grace, I will arrive.
If you are in Christ, so will you. There will come a day when the mighty engine of Hope that’s powered us along the tracks of joy and pain will deposit us in a place that knows no sorrow. On that day, there will be but one track stretching into eternity–that of joy fulfilled, faith seen, and hope realized. So do not lose heart! There is a final destination to the journey. The destination is home.
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“What if we gave the average woman the opportunity to partner with women who have been rescued from human trafficking?” This idea drove Pastor Dave Terpstra to move his family to Mozambique, an epicenter of sex trafficking, where the majority of “prostitutes” are children. Knowing he was limited in his ability to “rescue” victims of human trafficking, Terpstra focused his attention on helping survivors rebuild their lives. Since the majority of women are sold into the sex slave industry as children, survivors typically have little to no education and work skills. But what if they could sell something? Used clothing is a major source of revenue in Mozambique, which got Terpstra thinking–what if these women could sell a commodity only women wanted to purchase? It would ensure their safety from being sold back into the industry, and it would allow them to heal and rebuild their lives around other women. The solution? Bras! While you and I likely have a drawer full of forgotten bras, in Mozambique, they are a luxury item that can bring in significant revenue.
In August 2010, Terpstra parterned with Kimba Langas, a stay-at-home mom from his previous church, and together, they launched a movement called “Free the Girls.” They created a simple Facebook page, hoping to collect a few hundred or thousand gently used bras per year. In less than three years, Free the Girls has collected over 80,000 bras. Women in the program receive an initial inventory for free, and can buy more bras at a greatly reduced cost (which goes toward shipping fees). Results are showing that women are making 3-5x minimum wage simply by selling bras! Can you imagine it? Your old bras liberating a victim of human trafficking? Allowing another woman to provide a better life for her children–to protect them from becoming victims? It blows my mind. In 2011 Free the Girls partnered with Project Purpose, a shelter for rescuing and rehabilitating female victims of human trafficking. This year they hope to launch their program in four new locations. View the incredible journey (covered by CNN) below.
How can you get involved? Free the Girls accepts all new and gently used bras, including nursing bras and sport bras. You can host an event to collect bras, become a drop-off center, find a drop-off center near you, or mail your gently-used bras directly to Free the Girls. You can also donate money or resources. (New City Church Women–Emily Mantooth will be collecting donations this Sunday!!) You don’t have to be a woman of great influence to start something. That’s the beautiful genius of the movement. Any high school girl with a couple of used bras and a handful of friends can wage war with an industry as evil as Satan himself. So what are you waiting for? Start digging through that drawer! It’s never been easier to be a light for Christ in a very dark place.
Come along,
Won’t you come with me,
Down an innocent trail.
Feast your eyes
On another man’s life,
‘Til all in your world grows pale.
Measure his days,
Number his gifts,
Weigh them against your own.
And if you should find
A life more sublime,
Then bitterly curse and moan.
But if by a chance,
Your innocent glance,
Does prove you better than he,
Then lift up your hands!
Triumphantly dance,
For the god you surely must be.
Come along,
Won’t you come with me,
You’re hungry and thirsty for more.
What about him?
Can you possibly win,
And lengthen your pitiful score?
You cannot, you mourn,
His life is adorned
With blessing and beauty galore!
You know who’s to blame?
I’ll whisper his name–
The God who’s failed you once more.
Wave your fist high!
Bellow and cry,
For my words, I promise, are true:
The God who unjustly
Blessed him so richly,
Certainly cares not for you.
Come along,
Won’t you come with me,
I can make it all right.
You need just another,
Unlucky brother,
To restore your superior height.
Look all around,
Fume now and frown,
Measure and weigh and judge,
The rules of the game
Are always the same,
And the chains, they never do budge.
Come along,
Won’t you come with me,
The view is practically free–
Just for a start,
Lend me your heart,
And all that you hope to be.
“But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.” James 3:14-16
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The first time I was pregnant I made one big mistake. Amid taking vitamins, swimming laps in the seminary pool, and reading pregnancy books, I learned absolutely NOTHING about what to do when the baby actually arrived. It’s like I never realized that the pretty glow and stretchy clothes weren’t the final destination. I was the happiest, (largest), most naïve pregnant lady alive.
And then she came.
Good-bye happy glowing pregnant lady. Hello zombie-mommy—as terrified, exhausted, and clueless as the wiggling infant in my arms. I was overwhelmed by a desperate, protective love for this little person, yet I’d never felt more incompetent in my whole life. It’s like I had the most important job in the universe with the intelligence of a third grader. I shoved my stash of pregnancy books into the closet, and became a voracious reader of baby-raising manuals. Unfortunately, reading in the middle of the night while nursing and simultaneously sobbing into a handkerchief is not exactly the opportune time for learning how to raise a baby. To make matters worse, I quickly discovered that no two baby-raising “experts” on the face of the planet have ever agreed about a single thing.
In His great compassion, God walked with me, taught me, and sustained me. I have been passionate to encourage new moms ever since, which brings me to the purpose for this article. I am writing especially for women expecting their first baby. I want to share, as candidly as possible, a glimpse into the realities of life with a newborn, in hopes that you may be more prepared than I was.
Stage 1: The Twilight Zone
The initial weeks following baby’s birth can feel a little like entry into a parallel universe. There were two changes in particular that threw me the most. For starters, if your baby is biological, it’s possible to feel like a stranger in your own body. Simultaneously, you experience physical recovery from the delivery, a surge of new hormones, lactation, and a post-partum figure you may find disappointing. Secondly, baby is born with zero regard for your current schedule. Her life is a continuous cycle of eating and sleeping, which means you enter an eerie new world where you don’t think in terms of night and day. You think in terms of 2-3 hour cycles that include feeding, burping, crying and sleeping over and over again all through the day and night. (Do you remember that scene in Men in Black when Tommy Lee Jones tells Will Smith that they work on Centaurian time and he’ll either get used to it or have a psychotic breakdown? It’s a little like that.)
So how do you prepare for this? Make a deal with yourself now that during the Twilight Zone Stage, you are excused from guilt—no need to fit into your skinny jeans, clean the whole house, or smile all the time. Feeling sad or overwhelmed doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom—it means you’re human, and you’re adjusting. Just giving yourself this sort of grace can free you immensely to enjoy baby without all the pressure. Secondly, ENLIST HELP! The Twilight Zone Stage is no time to be a hero. Accept every casserole that comes your way, even if it means you have to answer the door in your pajamas. It will be worth it. Especially if they packed dessert. Invite your mom, or mother-in-law to move in for a few weeks. It doesn’t matter if she gets on your nerves a little—if she’s willing to clean a toilet, cook dinner, and hold the baby at 2am, she will be worth her weight in gold! Finally, begin to pray now for patience, perspective, and gratitude. For all its challenges, the Twilight Zone Stage can be one of the most precious seasons of your life–a season in which God sanctifies you, amazes you with His grace, and blesses you more richly than you could ever imagine.
Stage 2: The Philosophy Crisis
Once the initial blur of “newness” begins to wear off, you will find yourself contemplating numerous daily decisions—do you want to put baby on a schedule? How soon will you implement the schedule? Will you let baby cry? What will you do if baby won’t sleep? Do you want to co-sleep? Do you want to train baby to sleep independently?
In short, there are two major approaches when it comes to raising an infant. There is the “parent-directed” philosophy (popularized by Gary Ezzo of Baby Wise) which relies heavily on establishing a schedule, and the “attachment” philosophy (coined by Dr. William Sears) which advocates following baby’s cues and natural instincts for closeness. Here’s the tricky thing: these two approaches are not isolated options—they are opposite ends of a spectrum of options. Most people don’t fall entirely into one camp, but land somewhere between the two, which is why it feels like experts never agree with each other. For instance, I couldn’t peg James Dobson as a “scheduling” advocate or an “attachment” advocate because he accepts and rejects different components of both approaches. And it’s likely you will, too, the more you grow with your baby.
So how do you prepare? Think of two or three moms who meet the following criteria: you admire them as a woman and mother, they have young children, and their personality is similar to yours. This is your best bet for an “advice-giver.” Ask these moms for their very best “new baby” advice, and don’t just put them on the spot. Let them think about it and get back to you later—this way you’ll really get their best thoughts. Ask them which books were the most helpful, and read them. (Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Childby Dr. Marc Weissbluth was the most helpful book I read, although I think it’s wise to read more than one book so you get multiple perspectives). Talk to your husband about what you’re learning and get his feedback. Finally, resolve to hold your newfound opinions tentatively. Becoming dogmatic (especially before baby even arrives) can make you highly critical of yourself and of others.
Stage 3: The Grace-Filled Rhythm
With both my daughters, between 4-6 months, it felt as though normalcy returned. Of course every day still held a degree of unpredictability, but by and large life fell back into a steady rhythm. I knew what to expect and how to respond. It may happen sooner for you, or take a little longer, but know this—as surely as The Twilight Zone is coming, normalcy will make a return.
Final Thoughts
You’ve seen me reading my baby books and sobbing in my rocking chair. Now fast forward three years. Do you see the toddler dancing in her underwear? The baby learning how to walk? The Daddy monster bursting through the door every afternoon to tickle all the bellybuttons in sight? I do. I live in a world where a can of glitter can make you a hero for the day, and two little braids dancing in the wind is enough to make you wish time would stand still forever. My point is, when they tell you “this too shall pass,” no matter how much you want to slap them, it really is true. Virtually every challenge you face with a baby will eventually pass. This is not true for older children. There’s no guarantee that every child will submit to Christ, marry a godly spouse, or live out her full potential. But every child will eventually sleep through the night. As my doctor likes to remind me, nobody breastfeeds in elementary school or takes a pacifier to college. The trials are momentary. The rewards are eternal.
The beautiful woman in the photograph is Katey (Cannington) Mishler, a wise and godly mom of 4 married to a talented musician. Thanks for letting me use the photo, Katey! Check out some of her husband’s music here.
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You were a different
Dance than me,
When I smiled
And took your hand.
Closed my eyes
And opened my heart
To the wonders
And mysteries of man.
The dance has been long,
It’s only begun,
It’s been agonizing,
Jubilant fun.
It’s been a muddy haze,
Crystal clear,
Distant and far,
Desperately near.
Two different dances,
Twirling in time,
One lovely waltz,
Sweetly divine.
So, take my hands, darling,
Turn me again,
Promise me always,
Has yet to begin.
For this I know surely,
Wholly and true–
I could dance forever,
If only with you.
To my faithful readers–may this Valentine’s Day find you blessed with the love of Christ and the many special people He’s placed in your life!
And to my faithful husband–I love you more now than I did when this picture was taken.
When was the last time you were profoundly touched in less than eleven minutes? It was yesterday for me. While the kids napped, Clint and I watched some of the Oscar-nominated short films. The first one we watched was Paperman—sweet, funny, and classic Walt Disney.
Then we watched Head Over Heels…and in ten minutes I was crying. Together the two films portray the breadth and depth of love, from the first moment of attraction to its fight for survival beneath years of tedium.
I used to think that few marriages grow cold. Like the odds of contracting a rare disease, I assumed my marriage was statistically “safe.” After all, I didn’t know any couples with distant room-mate relationships—all I knew were giddy college girls madly in love, just like me, who couldn’t wait to seal our engagement with a second ring. And surely giddy college girls madly in love don’t grow bored in marriage, do they? Slowly the season of engagements gave way to a season of weddings and an endless collection of bridesmaid dresses. Then came the season of babies and an endless collection of birth announcements. And then…came the season of quiet discontentment. Did you know that so-and-so got a divorce? Did you know that so-and-so is addicted to pornography? Did you know that so-and-so had an affair?
Perhaps what scared me the most is that I wasn’t as shocked as I would’ve thought. Why? Because it’s only taken seven short years to strip me of my naiveté and arrogance regarding marriage. Gone is the belief that our love or virtue can sustain us, and in its place is the vulnerable, humbling truth that God alone can sustain our marriage. A cold marriage is not a rare disease only the really “unlucky” contract. It’s a certain reality for every marriage, apart from the grace and power of Christ. Just like the playroom, when left completely alone, it is the natural course of every marriage to grow messy—cluttered with hurt, sin, and disappointment. As Tim Keller says, “[marriage is] a burning joy and strength, and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears, humbling defeats and exhausting victories.”
Certainly marriage is not for the faint of heart. But certainly we are not left alone in the journey. What will it take for you to nail your shoes to the ceiling, and walk back toward the companion you vowed to cherish? Will it take courage? Humility? Hope? Jesus can bestow courage. Jesus can grant humility. Jesus is hope. And the greatest blessing of my sin-filled life is that Jesus still walks with me. He will walk with you, too.
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Loving My Lot 