Before I ever had a single child, I knew that one day I would wage war with an enemy who sought their hearts and souls. I anticipated battles ahead, knowing my children would test and defy me. But I never anticipated the Mommy wars. I think I watched part of an Oprah episode years ago on competitive moms, but that was about it. I didn’t give it a second thought. Not until I joined the club.
Let me begin by saying, the Mommy Club is a beautiful place. The moment you join, you find within your heart this unexpectedly raw capacity for love. All at once, you are a protector, a nurturer, a defender of innocence, a storyteller, an imagination factory, a kisser of boo-boos, and a cheerleader forever. Even on the scrape-me-off-the-floor-with-a-spatula days, you are being sanctified and learning to see God’s grace in a brand new light. It is a special club, one I’m humbled and grateful to be part of.
But I’ll be honest, there’s one aspect of membership I don’t like to talk about. It’s the insecurity that bloomed inside of me somewhere along the journey. I felt it the first time I didn’t know how to soothe my own baby. The first time I couldn’t get her to eat her green bean goo. The first time she wandered out of my sight in public. I don’t know exactly when the quiet voice began to whisper, do you even know what you’re doing? But I do know that initial thought was just a stone’s throw away from this one: That mom sure looks like she knows what she’s doing. And then there was the really quiet thought that always buried itself in a place I would never share with anyone: Maybe she’s a better mom than you.
Here’s my humble opinion: I think that thought is the deceptive heartbeat behind all the mommy wars. I think deep down many of us are just a little bit afraid that someone else is doing a better job at this whole thing than we are. We see All-Natural-Organic Mom who tills her own grains in the backyard, and Educational-Crafty Mom whose newborn knows sign language, and Just-Stepped-Out-of-a-Magazine Mom with super cute clothes and baby Gap model babies…and we cannot help but notice all the ways we fall short. So we resort to one of two measures, the first being imitation.
Maybe if I can just be like Super-Fit-and-Sporty Mom with16% body fat and color-coordinated Nike outfits, or Ultra-Organized Mom, or Über-Sweet-and-Godly Mom… The problem is we quickly realize we cannot be all of them all the time. The moment we pop on All-Natural-Organic Mom’s hat, we bump into Crafty Mom whose kids have sculpted a miniature Parthenon over the weekend, and we realize our kids have watched twenty hours of television so we could make Larabars from scratch. And even if by some miracle we can get Healthy Mom jiving with Educational Mom, when we drop off our kids at preschool we’ll immediately notice that Just-Stepped-Out-of-a-Magazine Mom isn’t sporting a crumpled T-shirt with craft glue in her hair. (And don’t even get me started on what Coupon Mom might think if she saw how much we spent on groceries last week!)
Once we realize we can’t be all of them, we resort to option number two: judgment. Of course, this is rarely blatant. I don’t tell Sporty Mom I think she spends too much time at the gym, I tell myself Sporty Mom spends too much time at the gym. I tell myself it’s okay my abs don’t look like hers because she’s probably not nearly as godly as I am. I tell myself it’s okay I don’t look as put together as Just-Stepped-Out-of-a-Magazine Mom because she probably spends too much money on clothes anyway. On and on, I tell myself whatever I think I need to hear to stanch the fear that I don’t measure up.
A few times I’ve seen the mommy wars go viral. Moms screaming at each other on television. A Facebook feed that erupts. A hateful gossip fest. Here is my theory: I picture the hearts of moms across the world like a really dry forest, the kind that people warn you not to strike a match in. They are dry because they’re insecure and aching. They are exhausted and spent. They are longing to hear that they’re doing a good job, and what’s more to feel like they’re doing a good job. But because rest and truth and hope can be so hard won, these dry hearts are hazardous. Flick a spark in their direction and the whole forest can go up in flames.
But what if the hearts of moms were watered. Not sprinkled every now and then, but watered all the way down to their roots. What if we knew in the core of our being, that we don’t have to measure up? What if we knew that Jesus Christ loves and accepts us just as we are? That He is passionate about our children and will walk beside us, in all our shortcomings, to make us the kind of mom we need to be. What if we could quit judging Skinny Mom or Healthy Mom or Crafty Mom and instead see them as Real-Human Mom in need of love and encouragement just like us? Then maybe the next time someone suggests you try her organic Ak-Mak crackers or mentions that she just finished a triathalon, you can smile genuinely because you may have no idea what an Ak-Mak cracker is, but you know who you are. Accepted. Redeemed. Treasured. One who has been born again to a living hope and an imperishable inheritance.
What do you say, Mom? How would you like to be Imperfect-Completely-Loved-Free-in-Jesus Mom? How would you like to be Don’t-Need-to-Play-the-Games Mom? Capable-of-Genuinely-Loving-Others Mom? Guess what? That is exactly what Jesus died to offer you. Initially when I started thinking about this topic, I wanted to encourage you by telling you all the things I myself long to hear–that you’re doing a great job, you’re the best mom ever, everything’s going to be awesome for you. But instead, I want to encourage you by telling you something far better: Whether you’re doing a great job or not, Jesus loves you. You don’t have to be the best mom ever, Jesus accepts you. And when everything’s not awesome, you always have hope in Jesus.
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Loving My Lot 
Awesome post! Made me tear up. You nailed it girl, and just when I needed this type of encouragement too!
Great read! I compare myself all the time even though I am a believer and should know who I am in Christ. I still struggle w/this, but this was a great reminder why I need to stop!!
This mom has reached the great-mom stage and I didn’t excel in any of the departments. However, I tried, which is the best most of us can do and acceptable to God.
Right On! I couldn’t stop reading — such great truth! Thank you for sharing real truth instead of empty encouragement. I put my child in Christian school for a year (were, and are again, home-schooling) and boy did I face the “wow, they are all so put-together, beautiful, godly, you fill-in-the blank-wonderful”, that I had to really push myself to stay in the prayer group for the school year. You really defined for me what it was I was feeling, and why the struggle was so profound. Thank you for penning the words God gave you, sister! Now we just need to immerse ourselves in the Word every day and believe the truth…
that is an awesome post. I cried too. Parents love their children unconditionally and it doesn’t matter what they do. Mothers are not perfect but hopefully they are loved as much as they love their children
Great Post! We can never measure up, we are imperfect Moms lived in a fallen world. So greatful for Jesus who died on the Cross for me to save my from my wretched self! A great example of showing love to our children unconditionally remind me of Christ, we didn’t deserve it. But he loved us. No matter what we do, he never hold it against us! Remind of my my relationship with my blessings!
Thank you, thank you, and thank you!
As an older woman I’ve seen motherhood today so different from my generation. Life seemed so much more simple and financially women could stay home and live on one salary. Wordly views have crept in and our poor mothers are pulled in every direction. Raising a family has become very expensive, running to try and provide too much for our children. lack of training to work hard and so forth has robbed this generation of the simplicity of life. Yet, Moms still love their children and want to do their best to see they grow up as responsible adults who can bring forth another generation to do the same.
Wow! Awesome word! You’re a great writer. Very graphic and detailed. I was totally thrilled by the use of language and how you expressed yourself. I guess you have figured out that I’m an educator. I have adult daughter and I do understand fully well what you are saying. Back in the day I, too, experienced the same. Loved the article.
WOW , how I OFTEN THO
UGHT THIS , THE BATTLE IS IN THE MOM OURSELVES. WE ARE TO FOLLOW CHRIST.
THANK YOU!! I feel like I don’t measure up all.the.time, that I’m just not good enough. Thank you for sharing this!
Great post. Get the book No More Perfect Moms by Jill Savage. An awesome book! It’s all about giving ourselves grace and extending that grace to others.
Beautiful. We are all broken & hurting…. that is why Jesus came. What would it look like to offer grace to each other? instead of more hurt? Thanks for sharing your heart and the encouragement to keep encouraging others!
Great log. Thank you!
Great thoughts! Be true! Be you! God Bless all Moms!! 🙂
Well Done! Poignant and thought Provoking!
Thank You! my kids are grown but I still feel this way all the things I should have done the things I wish I had known the things I wish I had not done .Everyone was a better mom than me . My kids are wonderful, educated, responsible, loving ,people but in my dreams I WANT TO BE SUPER MOM
God Bless You! I needed to read this today.
With school starting next week, I was beginning to dread not only my kids being out of the house but having to overlook all the “perfect” moms that I don’t feel I measure up to. Thank you for this! I needed the reminder that I am accepted by Jesus and greater is He that is in me than he that is n the world!
This is a very well written andvthought out article. I sppreciate the transparency. I do not have any children so I observe other parents . I see so many mothers who are involved in relational idolatry with their children. I think the children become a substitute for a Mom’s failure to walk on the spirit and have an intimate relationship with Christ. I feel sorry for these kids.
I feel everything that everyone wrote; my life has been amazing with my children and my God who lead me and showed me what to do; even when I wasn’t aware. Thank you Jesus.
I am living in Korea . However all moms are same we always worry about our kids and want giving them endless love. I am having rough time with my preteen boy. Your post is so great and gave me a big courage ! Thank you thank you!
So glad it encouraged you, Hyuna! Thanks for taking the time to write in.
Fantastic!
I didn’t really care for this post. Christian moms think this way because their gospel is so condemning. Normal women just enjoy life, work and play hard and don’t have these head games. And they focus on loving their children. It comes naturally. How dare we think our precious angel babies were given by The God of the universe to “sanctify” us. That is leaving LOVE out of the equation.
I personally have never felt condemned by the gospel. I have only felt condemned by other people. I lived as a “normal” person for many years. The head games were far worse. The message of love given by Jesus Christ set me free from condemnation. But I am happy this life choice has freed you to love your children how you see fit. To each his own.
As someone who lived as a non-Christian mother first and then a Christian mom, I have to disagree with you quite vehemently. First, what is your definition of “normal”? Secondly, no one said that children were only meant to sanctify mothers. But it does happen and to deny that motherhood does not change you is foolish and blind. Our children are given to us for many reasons, one being to let us see a glimpse of God’s love for His creation, to rear in discipline and godliness, with holiness as our goal for not only our children but also for ourselves. But you are wrong also on another thing. Loving our children does not come naturally, it is a gift. The proof of this is the evidence throughout the world of mothers who abuse, sell, torture and sacrifice to false gods, and murder for inane reasons or just plain neglect their children. It is a gift to have the love of God sifted through us towards our children. We are a minority in this world who hold the life and well being of a child as secondary to the mother or any other adults life and desires. It is the Christian who exemplifies the love of Christ by our love for our children. Our sacrifice and willingness to be sanctified through the years of motherhood. A privilege given to few if measured by the standards of the unsaved population. It is not “normal” to love your children, it is a gift from God.
This is a wonderfully written and much-needed article. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I’m Mormon, and in my church each member as the opportunity to receive a patriarchal blessing, which serves as a personal guide in life and religion. In mine, it tells me, in essence, that my children will bless my name if I give them the service they require. Remembering that line has brought focus to my actions and priorities and lifted a burden from me more times than I can count. Service, I can handle. Service, I can understand.
BEAUTIFUL post! I spent years being mentally ‘beat up’ by “mean moms” from a baby website. When I got pregnant with my daughter I was younger (22) and married and working my butt off to support my family the best way I could while going to college. I had no friends or family where my husband and I lived, it was JUST him and I. We were alone. I reached out online hoping to find other moms who were due when I was so I could “go this journey with a friend”. It turned into a night mare. Try as I might, I was NEVER good enough for them. When I found out I was pregnant with twins right when my daughter turned a year old, the mom bullying increased and that was it, I was done. I left and never looked back I grew a back bone or finally realized I didn’t need to be good enough for THEM I was already good enough for my CHILDREN and my HUSBAND and God loved me anyway even if I WAN’T the hoity toity mom others said I NEEDED to be in order to be a good mom. Later, watching one of my children fight cancer I realized that it doesn’t matter what OTHER moms say or think or feel about me. They do not know my heart, only God does, and God is the one I am living for, not for other moms.
When I was thinking about it one day, this quote came my way: “Behid every GREAT KID is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it up.” Tough to not think differently of myself.
When I first read the title and read “mom vs. mom” o thought it was about moms who disapprove of how their daughters handle motherhood but I could not believe my eyes! Young ladies and not so young especially if you are believers….What are you looking at?!!!
God’s word tells us not to compare yourself with others…it could ake you proud or humiliate you. Secondly remember that His ways are not our ways….If God could trust Mary with baby Jesus when there were no refrigerators, lotions and pampers what makes you think that you must live under the microscope of Worldly wisdom???God calls it devilish! Do not confuse abuse with inexperience. And above all do not forget that we are told to look unto Jesus the Author and Finisher ” of our faith! Our children and grandchildren are His and He knows how to work things out. His opinion is the only one that counts and He is very understanding of our predicament of being “human”. Are we better than Him? – Enjoy what is not going to stay with you for very long and thank God for the opportunity!
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I loved this post…especially the imagry of a dry forest and being watered and filled up with the love of Jesus. Thank you.
Thanks for the thoughts and hugs from above. I needed this! 🙂
Wonderful post. Its sad that this happens to moms. Just do your best, love your children and use the gifts you’ve been given to raise them.
Reblogged this on Live, Laugh, Love! and commented:
I have been wanting to write a post about just how tough it is being a mother. All the pressure from ourselves, family, friends, fellow moms and society to be the perfect mother. We feel the pressure to have the cleanest most organized home while having the best behaved and dressed kids while having our hair and makeup perfectly done. Oh! Don’t forget about having the most fit body, eating only organic and having your kids in a million activities. (Even if they are only 3 years old)
I recently read 2 great blog posts that I would love to share with you. They both hit the nail on the head. Better than I could ever have said it.
This is so beautiful and profound. Thank you.
I loved this so much! We are our own worst critic, and it’s so hard not to base your worth on others’ accomplishments. Thanks for sharing.
http://www.savortheessenceoflife.com/
Such a wonderful encouragement: to be watered by KNOWing our value in Jesus! I stumbled upon this recently and it struck me how God tenderly, lovingly, cares and knows what its like to be a parent! Here it is:
“Isaiah 40:11 NIV
…he gently leads those that have young.”
Thank you for addressing this topic! I have been a mom to 3 wonderful children for over 13 years now and have not seen this addressed once in any blog or magazine or website I have perused over the years-and there have been a lot! I thought I was just being oversensitive for feeling this way at times. I feel better now just knowing that other moms feel this way too and if we encourage more and compare less, then we will all be stronger for it. This has helped me gain perspective and realize in God’s eyes, I am the mom my kids need and there is no need to be perfect!
I loved this. So true, so encouraging; Keep up the good work. It will always be a challenge.I love being a Mom, a special gift from God with our gender and also our compassionate and nurturing ways.. We have too work hard at maintaining these precious traits. Our children need us as we need them. Thank you so much. Lets keep inspiring and helping each other with lots of love and understanding. Lynne September,11. 2013 at 10:53
I am not in the mommy wars, yet but the Pinterest wives war! lol I feel the same way you described above sometimes just as wife instead of a mother! We live in such a cyber world. I have to remind myself that we only see a slight picture of people’s lives online. So I try to just ignore all the Facebook post about everything being perfect, with the perfect family pictures, and perfect Pinterest projects.
Reblogged this on The Wells of Our Fathers and commented:
Wonderful cautions against the sins dealing with comparison!
Reblogged this on Brenna's Beans.
Funny, I had spent much of the morning in tears feeling the not-so-good-at-anything blahs. I really needed to read this. Thanks for writing and encouraging the rest of us so-very-human moms out here.