Before I ever had a single child, I knew that one day I would wage war with an enemy who sought their hearts and souls. I anticipated battles ahead, knowing my children would test and defy me. But I never anticipated the Mommy wars. I think I watched part of an Oprah episode years ago on competitive moms, but that was about it. I didn’t give it a second thought. Not until I joined the club.
Let me begin by saying, the Mommy Club is a beautiful place. The moment you join, you find within your heart this unexpectedly raw capacity for love. All at once, you are a protector, a nurturer, a defender of innocence, a storyteller, an imagination factory, a kisser of boo-boos, and a cheerleader forever. Even on the scrape-me-off-the-floor-with-a-spatula days, you are being sanctified and learning to see God’s grace in a brand new light. It is a special club, one I’m humbled and grateful to be part of.
But I’ll be honest, there’s one aspect of membership I don’t like to talk about. It’s the insecurity that bloomed inside of me somewhere along the journey. I felt it the first time I didn’t know how to soothe my own baby. The first time I couldn’t get her to eat her green bean goo. The first time she wandered out of my sight in public. I don’t know exactly when the quiet voice began to whisper, do you even know what you’re doing? But I do know that initial thought was just a stone’s throw away from this one: That mom sure looks like she knows what she’s doing. And then there was the really quiet thought that always buried itself in a place I would never share with anyone: Maybe she’s a better mom than you.
Here’s my humble opinion: I think that thought is the deceptive heartbeat behind all the mommy wars. I think deep down many of us are just a little bit afraid that someone else is doing a better job at this whole thing than we are. We see All-Natural-Organic Mom who tills her own grains in the backyard, and Educational-Crafty Mom whose newborn knows sign language, and Just-Stepped-Out-of-a-Magazine Mom with super cute clothes and baby Gap model babies…and we cannot help but notice all the ways we fall short. So we resort to one of two measures, the first being imitation.
Maybe if I can just be like Super-Fit-and-Sporty Mom with16% body fat and color-coordinated Nike outfits, or Ultra-Organized Mom, or Über-Sweet-and-Godly Mom… The problem is we quickly realize we cannot be all of them all the time. The moment we pop on All-Natural-Organic Mom’s hat, we bump into Crafty Mom whose kids have sculpted a miniature Parthenon over the weekend, and we realize our kids have watched twenty hours of television so we could make Larabars from scratch. And even if by some miracle we can get Healthy Mom jiving with Educational Mom, when we drop off our kids at preschool we’ll immediately notice that Just-Stepped-Out-of-a-Magazine Mom isn’t sporting a crumpled T-shirt with craft glue in her hair. (And don’t even get me started on what Coupon Mom might think if she saw how much we spent on groceries last week!)
Once we realize we can’t be all of them, we resort to option number two: judgment. Of course, this is rarely blatant. I don’t tell Sporty Mom I think she spends too much time at the gym, I tell myself Sporty Mom spends too much time at the gym. I tell myself it’s okay my abs don’t look like hers because she’s probably not nearly as godly as I am. I tell myself it’s okay I don’t look as put together as Just-Stepped-Out-of-a-Magazine Mom because she probably spends too much money on clothes anyway. On and on, I tell myself whatever I think I need to hear to stanch the fear that I don’t measure up.
A few times I’ve seen the mommy wars go viral. Moms screaming at each other on television. A Facebook feed that erupts. A hateful gossip fest. Here is my theory: I picture the hearts of moms across the world like a really dry forest, the kind that people warn you not to strike a match in. They are dry because they’re insecure and aching. They are exhausted and spent. They are longing to hear that they’re doing a good job, and what’s more to feel like they’re doing a good job. But because rest and truth and hope can be so hard won, these dry hearts are hazardous. Flick a spark in their direction and the whole forest can go up in flames.
But what if the hearts of moms were watered. Not sprinkled every now and then, but watered all the way down to their roots. What if we knew in the core of our being, that we don’t have to measure up? What if we knew that Jesus Christ loves and accepts us just as we are? That He is passionate about our children and will walk beside us, in all our shortcomings, to make us the kind of mom we need to be. What if we could quit judging Skinny Mom or Healthy Mom or Crafty Mom and instead see them as Real-Human Mom in need of love and encouragement just like us? Then maybe the next time someone suggests you try her organic Ak-Mak crackers or mentions that she just finished a triathalon, you can smile genuinely because you may have no idea what an Ak-Mak cracker is, but you know who you are. Accepted. Redeemed. Treasured. One who has been born again to a living hope and an imperishable inheritance.
What do you say, Mom? How would you like to be Imperfect-Completely-Loved-Free-in-Jesus Mom? How would you like to be Don’t-Need-to-Play-the-Games Mom? Capable-of-Genuinely-Loving-Others Mom? Guess what? That is exactly what Jesus died to offer you. Initially when I started thinking about this topic, I wanted to encourage you by telling you all the things I myself long to hear–that you’re doing a great job, you’re the best mom ever, everything’s going to be awesome for you. But instead, I want to encourage you by telling you something far better: Whether you’re doing a great job or not, Jesus loves you. You don’t have to be the best mom ever, Jesus accepts you. And when everything’s not awesome, you always have hope in Jesus.
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Loving My Lot 
This is wonderful!!!! Most, and by most I mean 99.9% of parents are doing the best they can to raise their kids. Whatever that looks like is their business. We have to make a conscious effort every day not to be President of the Pinterest Parenting Division of Pharisees. It’s hard! It’s crazy! Moms who home school sneering at families who think public school is just fine. Breastfeeding moms who look down their nose at the bottle feeding mom-and they don’t even know the story behind that choice. Everyone is too busy trying each other in the court of personal opinion. It’s heartbreaking.
Thanks for this spot-on (hilarious) comment.
In my child psych class they told us how love is the most important thing a kid needs(that’s what Jesus commanded us all to do to). Besides that they’re pretty resilient. I wish moms didn’t do this. Think how awesome if craft mom, and education mom, and coupon mom etc….got to gather and combined there skills instead of judging. Those kids would all benefit and the moms wouldn’t feel like they had to do it all. That’s what I really thought mops groups were all about
Um, I totally am in love with “president of the pinterest parenting division of pharisees” I think that may be my new fave title. LOL (great artcle too, btw. Mommy Wars are SO painful. Sure there are no bullet or bayonet wounds, but they can leave deep wounds)
this is as well said as the post itself!! as an older woman, i am now challenged to help Jesus water these younger moms, what a privilege!!!
Bahahahaha! “President of the Pinterest Parenting Division of Pharisees” – SO CLEVER! Loved the article. L
Thanks for a lot of thoughtful ideas.
I was just talking to my husband about this last night! It’s so rare and beautiful to come across a mom who seems “watered.” I feel really passionate about this lately, for myself and for other moms. So it’s encouraging to read the same passion from another mom. Thanks for writing!
Thanks! Someone shared your post and I am glad I read it!
“…know the Messiah’s love that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fulness of God.” Eph. 3:19.
Spot on! When I know that I am unchangingly loved by my Creator and Redeemer then I have the capacity and the Holy Spirit’s aid to live a life of non-judgmental love toward others.
This is an amazing post! Thanks so much for sharing. I know this feeling all too well and for a long time I avoided other moms because of it. I learned that we must embrace our differences and encourage one another.
Excellent. Thank you for being a writer mom.
As the older mom with my children becoming fathers, I look back at this and wish I had had a place to come when I was a young mother to share with other young moms. I weep, remembering the words spoken in my presence one day, “she’s the type you love to hate.” I only wanted to have friends and share with them. It still hurts. Living on a farm in the country, it was lonely and attending a city church made me feel I might actually be able to find women I could share with. Holding art and home economics degrees, you can see where problems are going to ensue. Canning, cooking, sewing and all the arts are and always have been my life, I was raised by a home ec major. But my boys were my pride and joy, and I wanted the best for them when it came to everything, including church. I wanted programs that they could develop in. As most moms, I put family first. Even though I did all for my family, I felt inadequate. I was a stay-at-home mom, and I did all the things for my kids, the grinding wheat, the making of their cloths (it costs less then), I was always there at school helping, they made their projects (as an artist, I teach, they make, or they would never learn- my mom was a principle- I understand education and don’t do that for my children or agree with it.) You see, trying to stand up to the ‘Superwoman’ model my mother had made me feel I had to, was grueling and exhausting. Most of what people go through is not seen in public. We need to remember that.
What other moms still don’t seem to understand, (and I am now working on my Master’s of Art Therapy and feel this is true for all genders and cultures), is it does not matter what position you are in, the other person does not have it all and they do not have it better. They have problems in their lives just like you, you just don’t know about it. You don’t realize it because you don’t take the time to get to know them. Or they could be so locked up in their situation that they hide it, we don’t know their past. But we need to realize that to look at them with envy is to look at ourselves as victims. God does not want us to look at ourselves as victims. This puts us in an easy position for Satan to take over our mind. What is the one thing he is going to put in our mind that is so tempting for us to grasp that we don’t even realize it? Power. Power is in those little words we use to put down others. They are the little words that are chosen to hurt the other person because we don’t like them, we don’t like that they can do something we can not do. We want to make them powerless. And we want to have power over them, because we see their talent or what they have as power over us.
“She doesn’t home school, ha!” You know, that is her right to decide. It may be best for her children, or family situation. If you are not a medical dr. or psychologist, financial specialist or know the personal background, it is best to sit out judgement of the situation. If your not asked, best to anyway. There are many factors a family take into consideration and it is their decision, not one for the neighborhood to make. And it isn’t power over you. She didn’t make the decision because of you. It has nothing to do with you. Believe me, she had no thought of you in her mind when she even began thinking about it. What makes you think she put that much energy into it? She could really care less what you think. You are trying to convince yourself you matter, that is all. You are trying to create your own power. Do it more constructively.
“Did you see her dress?” Yes, I have eyes, and she isn’t naked, did you see yours? I’m sure she thinks she is dressed accordingly, just like you do. Or it is one of those days with the kids, we all have them. “I think her nose… ” Are we really going there? Didn’t you have a nose job two years ago? What about your eyebrows? Ladies, God made us and is still giving us little makeovers by way of our little kiddos and grandkiddos! Gotta love’em. Think about ways to celebrate each other instead of what you can do to torture someone. It will lead you into a life of extreme happiness instead of constant pain. Just think about it. There will be more power for you, knowing you try to do good.
Experienced Mom that was spot on eloquent and humbling. Wish I had your email. Great article too! I made my kids amazing beautiful and downright stunning Halloween costumes fir years and felt guilty about it because I was “that Mom” Not to mention all of the judgement I got from other Christian school parents for even celebrating that holiday. And the list could go on and on…..I did my best and never felt like it was enough. I’m finally breaking free from that. Moms we should be for each other not against each other. I love the comment about GET TO KNOW SOMEONE so you know what they go through
I’m a crafty mom too so I want to be the first to tell you not to be ashamed of the wonderful things you create!! The comments against pinterest and the feelings of being “that mom” are coming from moms who have strengths in other areas. Might take a little while for them to realize that 🙂 Be a proud crafty mom! And what you said about knowing what another mom is going through, great point. I know if two different skilled moms sat down and talked, they would have 100% compassion for one another.
This is great! True to the last word. Not too many women (myself included) would embrace the form of humility necessary to write about this! Thank you for truly sharing your heart and being an inspiration to the millions of women who struggle with this every day.
This is great…thank you!! My cousin-in-law, Rachel Pieh Jones, wrote a really great piece on this topic last year…please check it out. http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/are-you-mom-enough-mommy-wars
Can’t wait to check it out–thanks for the referral! I love Piper’s site and know I will really enjoy the article.
These articles are excellent.. you should get together with experienced mom and write a book.Imagine how many people you could reach.
Thank you Vivian–this blesses me more than you know!
I think this is awesome and all new parents need to read it before they are allowed to leave the hospital… 🙂 thank you!
I was not fortunate to be a biological mother. However, I had the privileged to have many children in my life at least at one time. I loved them all like my own. I saw in many mothers eyes sadness, stress, pain, etc. and every time I’d see that I would try to say something positive to them. Susie did really well today I’m so proud of her you are a great mom. I didn’t know if that made a difference or not but I hoped it would. Friends of mine would sometimes confide in me the same thoughts as posted here and at times I would not know what to say and I would just hold my friend while the cried. I have since had 2 people in the family …children who were as close to my heart as any child I had could get. I sometimes would feel these things about myself, perhaps I didn’t do enough maybe I didn’t show them enough love or teach them enough about Jesus. I finally came to the conclusion that I did the best I could, the most I knew to do and that is all the was required. To all moms who have worked their tail off to provide the best for their families…..you are God’s treasure, you are loved by him even when your children don’t seem to love you or appreciate all that you have done. At one point they will understand all that you sacrificed and did for them. Mommy-like love to you all that need “watering” consider your self “under the hose running full blast!” Soak in the water my friend from someone who has the heart of a mother.
This article is wonderful. Thank you for your bravery in shedding light on this unfortunate truth!
I have read a few comments that negatively remark on homeschoolers judging others in public school. It is grieving to know that judgment can be felt by home schoolers, private schoolers and public schoolers, against each other and even within each party themselves! Irregardless of schooling choices, it is all too easy to one second feel like an awesome parent, and then feel inferior a second later. Not one mom is exempt from this pitfall of Mom-wars mentioned in the article. Simply put, no matter what form it takes it is comparison, and it is most assuredly not life-giving. May we all aim to throw off comparison which entangles us(and tries to re-tangle us again and again) and race the race set before us! May we aim to supporting each other and encouraging each other to ROCK this adventure of parenthood!!!
So many remarks about homeschoolers judging others. Isn’t that the same type of gross generalizations and judgment that this whole article was focused on NOT doing?
As a forced homeschool mom (I’m a missionary in a foreign country). I have more respect for homeschooling moms after homeschooling my own children for the past 4 years. I have an elementary education degree and taught in the classroom for years before coming on the field. It was much easier for me to teach 15 children the same material then my own 3 children 3 different grades all in a day. I have gotten to know many homeschool mom’s and they are encouraging and helpful to me. I’m blessed to know them.
Irregardless…. that’s priceless!
Irregardless…..haha……as for homeschoolers judging public school kids, in my experience it has been the other way around, and most of the judging comes from the adults. I am 61 and have 20 grandchildren. I grew up in public schools and my children went to public school for the most part. Seriously, I don’t remember these super moms being so much an issue in years past until we became more affluent and worldly. I’m sure they were around but I guess I was too busy with life or to distracted (in a good way) with being a family to notice. It is sad that this is so much of an issue. Or that we even make it one. So focus on your super husband and super kids and Forget Super Mom!!
Your words ring so true for all the young moms that I know. The sad truth is that the war only escalates when our children become adults. The war is still waged in our own minds and hearts, wrongly based on our children’s successes and failures…of every kind. The new ammunition is from the children themselves; who remember our parenting with a slanted view, mis-represent our hearts and intentions in parenting, and blame their sins and hang-ups on us. Jesus’s gracious estimation of me is still my rescue!
Amen! I love hearing from moms with more life experience than me. I will file this away for the future!
Thank you for this post. This hit home for me in a big way…I am weeping! I needed to read this–it helped me articulate what I have been feeling I need to do. I want to help other moms feel “watered.” Thank you, thank you!
I am so glad Mandy! Thank you for letting me know–what an encouragement.
I love the reminders you’ve given in your article. I wish I had had these blogs available as encouragement when I was in the throws of homeschooling my kids, but frankly I wouldn’t have had time to read them.
It is so true, we don’t know the struggles that go on behind the scenes, everyone makes such an effort to appear perfect. But, realize it is our imperfections that make us human. God’s infinite variety and imagination is expressed through our quirks also.
I was so blessed to homeschool my children and I am so grateful. I truely believe that homeschooling is a calling from the Lord and not everyone is called to do it. My calling doesn’t make me better that anyone who doesn’t share that calling,, it simply means that the Lord could see with His infinite wisdom that it was my path to greater holiness. Not everybody needs it, but I surely did.
Years ago a wise priest explaine to me:, if you have many tiles all a different shapes and colors you can put them together and make a beautiful work of art. If you have tiles that are all the same size and shape, you can put them together and make a bathroom. God wanted to make a beautiful work of art – not a bathroom – and that’s why we are all different.
I totally agree with what you’re saying here and the sooner all of us Moms can get over feeling that way our homes will be a better place. I’m SO thankful to be over all of that and be nearing 40 — it’s a beautiful place and I enjoy my sweet children everyday. We are all created by a loving Father in Heaven and we are individual and so are our children. We need to embrace that and look to Him for help. 🙂
So true! I expressed it this way one day when I was feeling particularly incapable and worth little…
I Wish I Had
I wish I had a better voice with which to sing His praise.
I wish I had more perfect words with which to preach His ways.
I wish I had more talents with which to serve my King.
If I had more to offer, why, I’d do anything!!
But wait, He has not asked me in all things to excel,
Yet in each task He gives me, He asks that I do well.
So whatever task I’m given, I’ll do it heartily;
For this I know, He only asks my very best from me.
He’s asked for me to be content, not want what I don’t own.
He never will forsake me, He’ll not leave me alone.
With Him right there beside me, how could I ask for more?
He’s all that matters—I will say, “I wish I had” no more!
Mary L Fuller 9/92
And then there is Steven Curtis Chapman’s song Every Little Thing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVTeIMursb8
Wow–that is BEAUTIFUL! I absolutely love it-thank you so much for sharing it with the rest of us. You are very talented & insightful.
Great article! I am not a mom yet, but even as a teacher and tutor I feel that comparison happening in so many circles. Jesus is the only perfect one and He is the only one that can judge us. Great pick me up 🙂
-G-Fe 26
As I get older, I get more comfortable in my skin. In the same way, the longer I have kids the most confident I feel in my parenting decisions. Here is what I’ve learned: Everyone has a mess. Some are just better at hiding it than others. And people probably care a lot less about your decisions than you think they do! Just remembering those things makes me feel better. I try to share my mess with others so they feel free sharing with me and we can have a REAL relationship as messed-up sisters in Christ.
I don’t have a problem with moms yet, but with thee mother in law. Lol
Such a wonderful piece! I think that if we can be encouraging to one another we might find that ways we can help each other grow. Our children see the way we react to others and learn from our behavior. As the mother of a daughter, I hope that my interactions with other moms can teach her to lovingly interact with her peers. I also firmly believe that God sent my children to me because He knew I was the right person to raise them. Embrace your strengths and pass them on to your kids.
hold on God is sending rain. I remember being here and I felt my well was dry but three grown children have given me five wonderful grandchildren and things get easier and rewards are great no matter what you did as long as it is with Gods approval, so teach them the way to praise God.
Well done! I love this! It’s so easy to fall into the trap- either feeling sad about ourselves or judging others in an effort to feel better about ourselves.
The dad vs. dad war is going on too- they need the same reminders that Jesus loves each of us- no matter what. We are each loved by Him.
So good and so full of helpful truth for today’s moms! Thank you for being one who waters and nurtures the moms as you do in this post!
http://humptydumptyparent.com/you-are-a-good-mom/
Susie
Thank you for this article. You know, I’ve never understood the whole comparison thing. I’ve always been of the mind that each person is unique and wonderful in their own way. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not to say that I’ve never wished for someone elses great legs (lol), but I believe we need to be happy in our own skin and allow others to be happy in theirs. We are all imperfect people who are constantly learning and hopefully growing. We need to give each other room to do that! I’m thankful for my mom who was a great example of a woman who loved others and rarely (she wasn’t perfect!) said a negative thing about another person. As women, we need to learn to uplift one another instead of tearing each other down.
I totally agree….I am not the super organized mom but good for her…I am not the president of the PTO mom but good for her…I am not the super educated crafty mom but good for her….I truely appreciate the other moms around me and I know I love my children and do the best for them. Sometimes this means that we have to eat dinner at 8:30 or that they have to wear dirty socks but they are loved. Although everyone is guilty of being judgemental at times but if we could change that to encouragement what an awesome effect that would have! There was many times that I had been given dirty looks (I was a teen mom and had a second child at 20) but instead I could have used a few positive comments – it would have brightened my day. If we treat each other better we will be raising our children better. God loves everyone in every time of there life ~ he is the the only judge!
Excellent!
Every bit of this article is pure truth. I am guilty of every single thing…..imitation, judgement, gossip…an endless struggle to be something I’m not, and usually on a daily basis. I want to know how I can change my heart so I will automatically think good thoughts about “workout-mom” in her Nike spandex. Instead, I’m angry that I have to work full time and automatically think “must be nice to hang out at the gym all day…” You could cover this topic at a women’s conference and it would be a huge hit. You could write a book and it would be a huge hit too. I would buy this bible study in a second if they made one on this subject. Please write more on this subject. I need a change of heart.
K
ps- I’m not blaming anyone for my own sin, but I notice my mom inadvertently (not hateful) judging me all the time. When I chose to stop breastfeeding when I went back to work, she made comment after comment about how she couldn’t believe I only breastfed for 3 months and the she nursed till a year. That made me really mad. Each comment she makes brings us farther apart. This reminds me how important it is that I be careful how I speak around my 4 year old daughter of my own. She will imitate how I talk about others. If I am always speaking about others in a judgmental manner, she will learn to do the same.
pps- My husband has no idea that he’s doing it but when we are at the gym and all the “stay at home moms” are there with their spandex and their “new boobs” and their “spin classes” . I tell my husband that I’d love to look like that but how there aren’t enough hours in my day, and he responds with ” You could look like that! You just have to make it a priority babe!” He’s just trying to be encouraging but it really feeds those negative thoughts about how “healthy” mom is better then me. For this exact reason, I hate having a gym membership because I constantly find myself comparing myself to everyone else there. It’s a battle of the mind and the heart!!!
Katlynn–I will definitely write more on this subject in the future. To be honest, the response has shocked me. A lot of this started with a simple conversation I was having with some girls. I told them I’d been thinking about blogging about this topic, and a few days later it’s been viewed hundreds of thousands of times. Clearly, it’s a very real struggle! Thanks a lot for the encouragement and for sharing so honestly.
Katlynn Lane, your comment stuck out to me so very strongly that I though I would respond. I, too, have been struggling for way too long with wanting to change from the inside out but not really knowing how. This quote was what really got me: “I want to know how I can change my heart so I will automatically think good thoughts about “workout-mom” in her Nike spandex… I need a change of heart.” This is where the church is really failing Christians in their daily walks, in my opinion. You accept Christ, maybe stop doing a few obvious sins, but the others still linger: anger, hatred, judgmental attitudes, lack of content, lust, pride, etc.) It is all because I, I, I am still on the throne of my heart — not Christ. My personal feelings continue to control my life, and all we can think is: Why isn’t my Christianity doing any good??. My husband and I recently have been so completely and utterly frustrated by our lack of ability to do and say the right things consistently (out of a truly changed heart), that we have started tackling this together by reading a book called _Renovation of the Heart_ by Dallas Willard. It addresses the lack of true heart change in Christians today, and how to go about actually changing! I mean, so that the Fruits of the Spirit spill forth from your life and shine on your face without you even trying. It is so helpful for me to understand how my heart and will are constructed, and how they interact with my body and mind for either good or evil. Check it out! It’s really helping us understand our complex makeup as human beings and why we can’t change on our own. (A lot of it will come back to swallowing, chewing on, digesting, and internalizing Scripture, as well as simply obeying it, whether we understand it or not.)
P.S. I have NEVER commented on a blog post before, anywhere, at any time. Ever. Your comment was that important to me. Just goes to show how much I’m learning, and how much I want to share it with others. Blessings on you today! I hope you feel loved, cherished, and beautiful. I know what it’s like to look at other moms/women with “perfect bodies,” and then look at my own self and see the 15-20 lbs of baby weight that I still need to lose. It’s also hard when my husband is with me and I know he sees them too…blah blah blah, you probably know how it goes. I hope I haven’t rambled too much or annoyed you. Just wanted to help! 🙂
Katlynn, I’m only replying because I immediately thought of a ministry that The Lord has been using to change my heart over the past year. 😉 I’m such a work in progress, and I’m growing in my understanding of my selfishness and tendency to seek my own kingdom. Until a marriage conference last year, I had not known of Paul Tripp. I walked away from that weekend with such gratitude that God would use this man’s teaching of The Word to get my attention. Like you mentioned, my response to others is not their problem. It’s mine! It’s the overflow of my heart. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched this video from Paul’s resources, Grace Liberates Relationships. (found at http://paultripp.com/video#!/swx/pp/media_archives/170524/episode/36941) It is 44 minutes of your time that I think you’ll find effective. He has so many incredible resources focusing on our heart issues. I hope you might take a look and be challenged as I have. I honestly cannot begin to share the fulness of my appreciation for the way God has been sharpening and pruning me as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc. through this vessel! =)
I’ve been thinking about these issues so much and have found myself judging others on a repeated basis. You completely nailed it, those thoughts stem from deep rooted insecurity and fear. Fear that somehow I am failing these beautiful beings God has entrusted to my care. How important that we all support each other in the most challenging and most important work.
The guilt is simply another shot at the lost innocence we all feel we used to possess; however, when we really submit our former lives to the spotlight, how innocent are we really.
This in itself begs the question, if I pick a scab that bares a striking resemblance to a tiny barbeque potato chip crumb, and I do this while eating a bowl of tiny barbeque potato chip crumbs, but then I lose the scab…..Do I assume that the tiny scab fell onto the floor and simply continue to enjoy my salty snack…or do I help myself to the last pudding cup and just let the kids have the chip crumbs?
If there were more choices, believe me I would take option three; however, the only reason I’m eating tiny barbeque potato chip crumbs in the first place is because I was in the mood for a less than healthy snack, but when I grabbed for the yummy chips, a few crumbs is all that was left.
At this point I realize….”I have a choice to make”…Do I eat the chip crumbs and take the risk of eating my own scab?…Really, am I considering this?…Am I a cannibal now?…Suddenly I’m not in the mood for potato chips. After all, we all know that pudding cups are individually sealed for our protection. Couldn’t possibly be any…ummm…contaminates…yeah contaminates… Couldn’t be any contaminates in a pudding cup, right? Well this has become a no brainer!!!! Besides I buy the chips for the kiddos anyway! Of course I buy the pudding cups for the kids as well. It isn’t going to hurt the kids if I…..wait a minute……!
Well looky here, I found the scab! It was stuck to my pant leg the whole time…Ha and I was worried.
Well I’m signing off now, I have some chips to eat!!!
ha ha this is priceless!!! I never cease to amaze myself!!!
What a fabulous article! Thank you for grounding me. God is so good!
Well written… I enjoyed this a lot. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you! your were a blessing to me and many others.
Thank you for sharing and for the reminder of how essential it is that we ‘water’ our souls. A wise friend of mine reminded me that God is the only one who doesn’t let us down. We all let our children down in some way but we trust in God to bring good out of it. And that in turn has helped me to keep giving my personal best but to enjoy the ride because before I knew it we had hit our second decade of parenting. God’s peace be with us all.
As a mom whose children are almost out of school, I would like to share my partial solution to mommy wars. When you meet any of these (fit mommy, godly mommy, all-natural mommy….) compliment them. Tell them they look nice, their kids are fun, or kind……and do it sincerely. Get to know those mommies. You might find “Fit Mommy” has been dealing with early onset arthritis and every day starts in pain. “All-Natural” Mommy has kids with severe allergies and thinks it would be so nice to buy something pre-made, but can’t take the risk. “Godly Mommy” was neglected as a child and not having a good role model, is hoping she is doing better for her kids. Once, you can “cut them a break” it becomes far more easy to cut yourself one and in the end, that is all this was ever about.
Great comment. made my cry – it’s so true.
Exactly! ❤❤❤
This is so true! Each of us struggle with our own inadequacies, real or perceived, and need encouragement. I know as a working full-time mom, I struggle with what I call “mommy guilt” for not being home with my kids (my husband stays home because I have a more stable job). I have to remember to surrender these feelings to Jesus or they can consume me and make me angry and bitter, which is not good for anyone, especially my kids. Thank you for your encouraging words.
Well done, Jeanne! Your blog has popped up a few times in my FB feed (perhaps you have a connection to CIU, since it is often through my college friends?) and I am really grateful I came over to have a look, take a drink and remember the truth. The love of Jesus is the only thing that will ever free us: from the insecurity, from the self-judgment and other-judgment, from the harsh words and harsher thoughts, from it all. Keep pointing us to Him and to His love!
Yes! I do have a CIU connection–grateful to have gone there for undergrad. So glad you stopped by!
Thank you SO much for creating and sharing this so the rest of us Moms can surrender to God’s grace without guilt!
Thank you for guiding us so clearly to Jesus. What matters is His view of us. http://oaksofrighteousnesstheology.blogspot.com/2012/12/insecurity-as-moms.html
http://oaksofrighteousnesstheology.blogspot.com/2013/03/raging-against-comparison.html
And here’s another amazing thing. Our kids love us too. Despite all our foibles and mistakes, they love us too. Amazing.
Great post!
What a blessing! Thank you!
I’m not quite a mom yet, but I am 19 weeks with my first. Until I read this article I didn’t realize I had already begun to feel these things. I saw friends with adorable baby nurseries and wished I could afford to decorate a room for my little one like that. I see expectant moms out jogging every day and think my ten minutes walks aren’t good enough. At first I admired these moms but eventually I put them down to make myself feel better. I’m glad my eyes have been opened to this now. I will not be a perfect mom, or anything close, but with God’s help I can be good enough. There is no need to put other moms on a pedestal or dig them a hole. We are all trying.
This is so spot on and amazingly put together in words. As a mom of 3 and I can remember somewhere early in my motherhood where I had to make the decision to stop comparing myself to other moms and realize I am who I am (and Jesus loves me in spite of myself–praise HIM!) And–my other realization was that NOONE has it all together—I had to stop thinking they did—no matter how they presented themselves to others. There is peace when you stop comparing yourself to other people….does it still creep in here or there, yes, but you just have to reset and remind yourself again—-no one is perfect AND God made each of us different….what my own strengths are might not be someone else’s and vice versa. If we, as moms, would band together with our strengths we would be an unstoppable force.
Thanks so much for writing this! Truly blessed my day and I will pass on your wisdom to other moms. 🙂
Thank you for a much needed “heart watering”. I’m a mother of one biological daughter and two newly acquired step-daughters. I struggle daily with my inadequacies because of a sincere desire to make them feel loved and secure. I want to give them the best…the best of me…but I’m human and fall short. This post reminded me that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. I’m one of God’s marvelous works, as is every mom. How dare I belittle myself or compare myself to others? God loves me and forgives me like I love and forgive my daughters. It’s time for me to also love and forgive myself. After reading your inspirational words, I will work daily on trying to “water” the thirsty/parched hearts of other moms…this will in turn sustain mine.
What a great and unifying article! The mom-wars were a huge surprise to me as well. How much harder is it to brace yourself for something you aren’t expecting?! I love how you put into words the amazing differences moms have and the reality of how difficult it is to see the array of differences without feeling inadequate. We (I) should celebrate each others differences rather than try to copy them. The strengths each of us have come with an automatic weakness! I find myself wanting to be all of them but it’s just too hard!! Also, I am a crafty mom so I love pinterest. It gives me so many ideas and I find myself feeling empowered by having that kind of variety. Go easy on pinterest ladies 🙂
Thank you for sharing your voice because it is watering moms!!!!
I love your insights and the dry hearts/forest metaphor, but most of all I love your solution. Understanding my value in Jesus Christ has been key in accepting myself as I am. I still have to remind myself of that truth. In our competitive, snarky world, it’s a constant process. My passion is to help others understand their worth. Thank you for words of wisdom.