Before I ever had a single child, I knew that one day I would wage war with an enemy who sought their hearts and souls. I anticipated battles ahead, knowing my children would test and defy me. But I never anticipated the Mommy wars. I think I watched part of an Oprah episode years ago on competitive moms, but that was about it. I didn’t give it a second thought. Not until I joined the club.
Let me begin by saying, the Mommy Club is a beautiful place. The moment you join, you find within your heart this unexpectedly raw capacity for love. All at once, you are a protector, a nurturer, a defender of innocence, a storyteller, an imagination factory, a kisser of boo-boos, and a cheerleader forever. Even on the scrape-me-off-the-floor-with-a-spatula days, you are being sanctified and learning to see God’s grace in a brand new light. It is a special club, one I’m humbled and grateful to be part of.
But I’ll be honest, there’s one aspect of membership I don’t like to talk about. It’s the insecurity that bloomed inside of me somewhere along the journey. I felt it the first time I didn’t know how to soothe my own baby. The first time I couldn’t get her to eat her green bean goo. The first time she wandered out of my sight in public. I don’t know exactly when the quiet voice began to whisper, do you even know what you’re doing? But I do know that initial thought was just a stone’s throw away from this one: That mom sure looks like she knows what she’s doing. And then there was the really quiet thought that always buried itself in a place I would never share with anyone: Maybe she’s a better mom than you.
Here’s my humble opinion: I think that thought is the deceptive heartbeat behind all the mommy wars. I think deep down many of us are just a little bit afraid that someone else is doing a better job at this whole thing than we are. We see All-Natural-Organic Mom who tills her own grains in the backyard, and Educational-Crafty Mom whose newborn knows sign language, and Just-Stepped-Out-of-a-Magazine Mom with super cute clothes and baby Gap model babies…and we cannot help but notice all the ways we fall short. So we resort to one of two measures, the first being imitation.
Maybe if I can just be like Super-Fit-and-Sporty Mom with16% body fat and color-coordinated Nike outfits, or Ultra-Organized Mom, or Über-Sweet-and-Godly Mom… The problem is we quickly realize we cannot be all of them all the time. The moment we pop on All-Natural-Organic Mom’s hat, we bump into Crafty Mom whose kids have sculpted a miniature Parthenon over the weekend, and we realize our kids have watched twenty hours of television so we could make Larabars from scratch. And even if by some miracle we can get Healthy Mom jiving with Educational Mom, when we drop off our kids at preschool we’ll immediately notice that Just-Stepped-Out-of-a-Magazine Mom isn’t sporting a crumpled T-shirt with craft glue in her hair. (And don’t even get me started on what Coupon Mom might think if she saw how much we spent on groceries last week!)
Once we realize we can’t be all of them, we resort to option number two: judgment. Of course, this is rarely blatant. I don’t tell Sporty Mom I think she spends too much time at the gym, I tell myself Sporty Mom spends too much time at the gym. I tell myself it’s okay my abs don’t look like hers because she’s probably not nearly as godly as I am. I tell myself it’s okay I don’t look as put together as Just-Stepped-Out-of-a-Magazine Mom because she probably spends too much money on clothes anyway. On and on, I tell myself whatever I think I need to hear to stanch the fear that I don’t measure up.
A few times I’ve seen the mommy wars go viral. Moms screaming at each other on television. A Facebook feed that erupts. A hateful gossip fest. Here is my theory: I picture the hearts of moms across the world like a really dry forest, the kind that people warn you not to strike a match in. They are dry because they’re insecure and aching. They are exhausted and spent. They are longing to hear that they’re doing a good job, and what’s more to feel like they’re doing a good job. But because rest and truth and hope can be so hard won, these dry hearts are hazardous. Flick a spark in their direction and the whole forest can go up in flames.
But what if the hearts of moms were watered. Not sprinkled every now and then, but watered all the way down to their roots. What if we knew in the core of our being, that we don’t have to measure up? What if we knew that Jesus Christ loves and accepts us just as we are? That He is passionate about our children and will walk beside us, in all our shortcomings, to make us the kind of mom we need to be. What if we could quit judging Skinny Mom or Healthy Mom or Crafty Mom and instead see them as Real-Human Mom in need of love and encouragement just like us? Then maybe the next time someone suggests you try her organic Ak-Mak crackers or mentions that she just finished a triathalon, you can smile genuinely because you may have no idea what an Ak-Mak cracker is, but you know who you are. Accepted. Redeemed. Treasured. One who has been born again to a living hope and an imperishable inheritance.
What do you say, Mom? How would you like to be Imperfect-Completely-Loved-Free-in-Jesus Mom? How would you like to be Don’t-Need-to-Play-the-Games Mom? Capable-of-Genuinely-Loving-Others Mom? Guess what? That is exactly what Jesus died to offer you. Initially when I started thinking about this topic, I wanted to encourage you by telling you all the things I myself long to hear–that you’re doing a great job, you’re the best mom ever, everything’s going to be awesome for you. But instead, I want to encourage you by telling you something far better: Whether you’re doing a great job or not, Jesus loves you. You don’t have to be the best mom ever, Jesus accepts you. And when everything’s not awesome, you always have hope in Jesus.
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Thank you! This is very well written and very true for so many of us. I’ve passed this on to literally hundreds. And I imagine it will bless many of them as it did me. Thanks for blessing lives.
Very well said!
After thinking a lot about this post, I decided to write a response in hopes of starting a conversation about Mom vs Mom. I believe that creating a true conversation about this problem is essential and we could take a step in diminishing this problem. I have an idea that I would love to discuss with you. I was unable to find any contact information on your blog. You can read my response here: http://www.whenthekidsarebored.com/2013/08/breaking-cycle-of-mom-vs-mom-starting.html
I hope to hear from you.
I enjoyed your article–you ask a great question. I’ve added a contact page to the menu, so if you’d like to run your idea by me, I’d love to hear it!
I think perhaps I’m the only one who doesn’t just love this article. It comes off in a condescending way toward “athletic mom, craft mom, pretty mom” whatever. I myself LOVE to be artistic and I channel that love into doing things for my children. I LOVE PINTEREST! I do it because I enjoy it, not because I have anyone to impress. I don’t park my children in front a television to complete these tasks either. And moreover, I CERTAINLY don’t do it to make you feel bad about yourself. Are you kidding, get over yourself! I think every mom needs some time here or there to herself to do something SHE enjoys. So athletic mom, keep on working out girl… you look great and the ones judging you are likely jealous. Craft mom, get your craft on girl… you make some darn cute stuff! All natural mom, what a great thing to do for your family… I bet it’s hard work preparing organic/healthy meals and you should pat yourself on the back. LOOK LADIES… NO ONE is in charge of making you feel inferior except yourself! Have you ever considered this? That maybe “sporty mom” isn’t out to make you feel bad? And by judging her, aren’t you equally to blame? I really don’t like this article. I DO however think moms should give each other the support and encouragement that is so needed by ALL of us moms.
I’m pretty sure the point was to tell moms who feel like they aren’t doing a good job that they don’t have to try to be anything more than who they are. She’s not condemning moms who find time to do all the extras. I’d almost say she’s congratulating those moms while making sure moms who haven’t accomplished the extras don’t feel like they’re failures.
I agree!
I don’t think the “labels” that were used were meant to be judgmental. Let’s be honest, we all pictured exactly who she was describing when we saw “fit mom” or “organic mom”. The author also makes the point that judgment isn’t the goal, but if we’re honest with ourselves, it IS a route we take if we struggle with our identity and measuring up. Personally, I’ve been there, and took a lot from this article. The point is, whether we’re getting our craft on, or our gym on, or our scratch-cake-making on, we’re enough. We’re loved and treasured by Jesus. We don’t have to “have it all together” to walk in His grace and mother our children in the way He’s called us to.
Thanks for the article! I know it spoke to my dry momma heart today. Xoxo
That’s exactly what the article said. You misread it.
I love that we’re all different and have different perspectives… I didn’t read this article as judging the sporty or crafty moms… to me, it’s about finding who YOU are and NOT judging the other moms who seem to be doing better than you are (we as a species tend to pair our weaknesses against other people’s strengths). I agree that if you love to work out and consider yourself a sporty mom, then great! Same for the craft mom! Do what you love and figure out how to be the best mom you can be. To me, that’s the message of this article and that’s why I’m glad I read it.
I think that was the point of the article, that when we are ok with who God has made us to be and know we are loved by him, then we can appreciate our own talents as well as everyone else’s talents and not feel inadequate or like we have to have all the talents rolled into one super mom package (not possible!).
You missed the whole point.
I think her point was not to be condescending towards “sporty mom” or “crafty mom.” I think she’s describing one of two ways she reacts to moms she feels inferior to: imitation (“keeping up with the Joneses”) or judgment. Her point is that we shouldn’t be at war with each other, but encouraging to each other, celebrating our different strengths! I can tell you as a friend of Jeanne’s, that she is very encouraging to me as a “sporty mom.” Be who you are, don’t try to fit a mold or beat yourself up for not being like other moms! We all feel inferior – it’s time we start having a little confidence in our our own unique parenting and in who we are in Christ!
Beautifully written, Jeanne! I loved it. It think every mom could benefit reading this – I know I did!
You obviously have a healthy self esteem and kudos to you for that. For those of us, such as myself who are constantly comparing themselves to other moms and feeling like we don’t measure up or are not doing enough, this spoke volumes!
Thanks for showing us the other side of the coin! It is good to be reminded that the other moms are not trying to make us feel bad and that no one is making me feel inferior except myself. It is need to get my eyes off myself. It is good to enjoy who others are and who I am, too! And then we should encourage each other in who we are!
I think all of the different kinds of moms are great. God blessed us all with different skill and spiritual gifts. What I need in my life is the community of women. Several types of moms coming together. Your daughter tore her dress and you don’t have a clue about sewing? Call your crafty friend who would be happy to sew the dress and better yet, teach you how! Feeling a little muffin toppy? I would love to have a fit mom to call and motivate me, walk with me. What I get from the whole Mommy Wars is that we are supposed to be an island. We are supposed to be this Super Woman who sees Fit Mommy getting her workout on and we are compelled to BE her and if we can’t BE her and Crafty Mom, Super Spiritual Mom, Homeschooling Mom, Tandem Breastfeeding Mom and No Vax Mom then we are failures. Some posts on Pinterest, certain blogs, etc. are not meant to encourage they are prideful, boastful and arrogant. Just reading their posts makes us feel “sized up” by the other mom. I may have mentioned this but I followed a blogger who posted she could never be friends with anyone who spanked, or another who said women who don’t breastfeed are lazy. ???? I also followed another mommy blogger who was a crafting, cooking, uber educated, home birthing, tandem breast feeding mom. I later found out her whole blog was a lie. She was struggling, hurting. I would have rather read those kinds of posts. She still blogs about her perfect life. I guess if we approached some of these blogs with a boulder of salt, we wouldn’t be so hard on ourselves. If it sounds too good to be true-dismiss it-and cherish your messy, crazy, dirty, uncrafty, sort of plump life!
Very good points, elizabethclements!
For example: I was determined (with our first one) that we were not going to spank. Well, at some point, she became determined that she WAS going to put her finger in that light socket. And I mean literally. (We were at someone else’s house when it came to a head, so making it “baby proof” wasn’t an option.) I couldn’t think of anything else (after saying “no” and moving her away from it 10 times… and she was young enough (11 months?) that you couldn’t really give her the logic on why it was a bad idea) …so I swatted her hand. For the first time, ever. And she got the message. Not that “Mommy is mean” or anything like that, but the message, “I don’t think I want to touch that thing any more.” She quit.
Neither she, nor my other children had to get a lot of spankings. But sometimes, the message just isn’t getting across without one.
And when God said “spare the rod and spoil the child” he meant it. Children NEED correction, and sometimes it may be through a spanking.
He didn’t mean that you HAVE TO spank a child. But he meant that IF THEY NEED IT, AND YOU DON’T, then you’re going to mess them up.
OK – so I went on about that for too long…. but the point is, some people CAN’T breastfeed. (for example) Or at least it’s extremely difficult, painful, they get mammary gland infections, etc.
That doesn’t make them lazy.
It has happened throughout history. Even to moms who were at home and had PLENTY of time to breastfeed. You know what happened to them? Their babies starved.
OK – sorry – I was in a mood to type, apparently….. What I just said was probably stuff we all knew already….
I think that WAS the point of this… At least, that’s exactly what I got out of it.
Yes, you might want to read it one more time. She is speaking to the part of herself that tends to judge others and saying that they only reason we judge is because we don’t feel adequate ourselves. Then she is saying, we are adequate and accepted completely in Christ so we don’t have to judge or compare ourselves to others, If you feel adequate, and are not judging yourself or others, great for you! Some of us actually struggle with that. I’d take a deep breath and continue to enjoy your art while praying for those that are struggling with comparisons, instead of judging them for having that struggle.
OK, I want to grow up to be like Brittany. She said in about 100 words, what I said in about 500. When am I going to learn to tell my fingers that they HAVE TO PART WITH THE KEYBOARD! ?
Very well-said, Brittany. 🙂
Yeah, she definitely didn’t mean that “sporty mom” or anyone else was trying to make her feel bad (which you said twice, so I think you really think that she thinks those moms are at least partially doing it for that reason). She’s acknowledging that she makes herself feel bad for, IN HER OPINION, “not measuring up” to them.
This is my first time to read her blog at all, and I got the distinct impression that she IS trying to give support and encouragement. I agree with a commentor below that you probably misread it, at least to some degree.
I read *The Five People You Meet in Heaven* several years ago (this is really more to the author of this blog than to anyone who replied) and it had one quote that really stuck with me: All people damage their children.
Meaning NONE of us are perfect parents.
Tough thing to read: “ALL people “damage” their children.” (This is something the main character was told, after he died (trying to save a young girl from an accident) and went to Heaven.) That sounds pretty bad! The word “damage”? That’s pretty strong. “All people mess up in raising their children from time to time” is a lot easier to hear.
(My 3 kids were about 7-9 years old at the time, so I had had several years to make mistakes. And it really hit home with me.)
When a baby comes into your life, he or she is basically perfect. And those who are trying to be “good parents” are trying REALLY hard. I mean, for the next 18 years, I consider it to be my MOST IMPORTANT ROLE, PERIOD. No matter what career I hope to have before or after they’re born. (Well, OK – being a good spouse, too. Just about equal importance…because if your marriage is in trouble it’s hard focus on other stuff…. (Don’t get me wrong – my mom was a single mom – so I’m not a single-parent-hater… I just mean if you’re married, then that’s pretty important too.) ANYWAY….. “good parents” spend their lives TRYING to be good parents. But you know what? We all mess up somewhere.
I’m sure *The Five People You Meet in Heaven* has a few things about it that people could argue with, but in general, it was a very good book. It helped me realize that trying my best is all God expects of me. He knows I won’t be the perfect parent. He already knows.
And he loves me anyway.
It also helped me “forgive” my mom (and dad, for separate issues) for ways that they “messed up” (in my opinion) in raising us.
And it gave me hope that my kids will be able to see that I tried my absolute hardest. Yes, I messed up a lot. But they always knew I loved them.
Just my 2 cents–but I have found that quitting Facebook has been very freeing for me. Fewer opportunities to compare myself to others and get wrapped up in their drama. I have never regretted it.
KB, thanks for bringing up facebook. I, too, find it freeing not to be wrapped up in all the drama and comparisons with hundreds of “friends” that can be so much a part of online social networking. However, I have found a way to still use facebook just to stay in touch with close family members and friends (which is important to me because we live thousands of miles away from our extended family.) I use a fake name and am only “friends” with our family members and a hand-full of very close friends. It works great…I can still see what’s going on with our family and they can see what’s going on with us…and because I’m not listed under my real name I don’t get friend requests from casual acquaintances and old high school classmates, etc.
Thanks for your perspective on Facebook–we are part of a new church now and I think it might be helpful to stay connected with a very limited circle of “real-life” friends only, so I may give it a try again.
Amen!
I love that you said, “She sure looks like she knows what she’s doing!”
I think it’s time we all come clean! Nobody really knows what they’re doing! We’re all just doing the best we can to keep the kids alive!
LOL 🙂
Great read… I can easily insert “Dad vs. Dad” and have the same results. I posted/linked this for my friends… and many agree as well. I personally have had to self correct myself to avoid these scenarios…though I recognized it, you placed it in perfect words to be conveyed to the reader. Thank you for the post and insightful thoughts.
I love your analogy of the dry forest needing to be watered. That is brilliant and spot-on.
Thank you! I have fallen so many times into the trap of not measuring up to other moms. I needed to hear this. 🙂
WONDERFUL ARTICLE! Thank you so much! I needed this today!!!!
Thanks for your insightful words! They reminded me of this quote by Brene Brown (author of Daring Greatly): “When we feel good about the choices we’re making and when we’re engaging with the world from a place of worthiness rather than scarcity, we feel no need to judge and attack.” I’m so appreciative of all the moms in my life who are moving beyond mom wars and joining the same team 🙂
This is article is right on! I don’t think anything in life has made me feel as horrible as being a mom. Now that sounds terrible, but it is the truth. Feeling like a failure so often is not a great feeling, however, I have the Lord Jesus and I can go to him with every failure of every day. Praise the Lord! He is the one we are to look to. Not comparing ourselves to others. We all have different gifts in life and we are to use them to His glory. I really appreciated this article. I would like to add that I have a husband who has struggled with pornography. This in a way has been a gift to my marriage. Yes, a gift! Why? Because it has made me cry out to God for His love and His strength. It has taught me to stop comparing myself. My body, my skills, my talents, my lack of talents, my anything, to anybody else. God made me the way I am and He wants me to live for Him and not myself. Comparing oneself is never profitable unless it is to Jesus. Thank you, thank you, thank you! This article is so good because it points us all to the only One who can take away our insecurities. He alone can make us into the mom He wanted us to be & even when we aren’t what we know we should be, we always have Him! When we have security in Him we will be able to stop comparing and start encouraging! 🙂
Go spend an hour or 2 at the front end or target or Walmart and you’ll realize you are an AWESOME mom. It only takes a couple of obviously not so interested moms to appreciate what you do for your own kids, to realize that you care and that you are doing 1000x better than others. That’s what truly matters! Not who is better but that you take the time to care!
But as Christians – heck, humans! – we should not be judging our selves based on what others are/are not doing. We should instead be embracing the mother in Wal-Mart who is so tired/fed up that her only survival mechanism is to just ignore the “mama-mama-mama-mama-mama-mama”‘s for a second. We should be thinking “Wow, this is a great opportunity to serve!” and then go help that mother, even if it is just a kind word or understanding smile. Remember that the 2 seconds you took to acknowledge someone could be just what they needed to make it through the rest of the day.
(And ALL of this goes for self-absorbed me in particular!!)
There’s a great song put out by a Christian mom that goes right along with this. Here’s the link for the ONLY video I could find of it. I’m not even a full Mommy yet (half way through my first pregnancy) and I know that this song will be a keep-on-hand-in-case-of-emergency reminder. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0d2XBDBvRA
Thank you for your encouraging words. You put into words so clearly what I think on a regular basis. I know what you said is right on about God and how He accepts us just the way we are, but sometimes I spend too much time looking at other moms wishing I was better or like they are. God has blessed me so much, I just needed the reminder that I’m a good mom and all I need is to focus on God and what I need to be for my family. I need to spend more time encouraging other moms cause we all have insecurities and bad days.
i don’t know you, i happened upon this post by it showing up upon my FB newsfeed from a friend sharing it. It truly brought tears to my eyes.
I have been struggling so badly. I’ve been so depressed. Naturally, i am not one who struggles, i succeed at what i desire to do pretty easily. And normally, i am never overly sad. But through the birth of our second child, i have been worn down, and although 3 month later he has balanced a little bit, i am feeling worse about myself. At every turn, at every instance, i have felt like an utter failure. Every instance i talk to my daughter negatively-fail. Not being able to make dinner-fail. Feeding my daughter cereal for dinner-fail. Every day i dont read my bible-fail. Every time i choose sweet snack foods over something better-fail. Being upset at my son for having an unbalanced sleeping schedule-fail. Each night that passes in which my husband and i didnt make love-fail. Every time i miss church out of tiredness-fail. Every missed opportunity to encourage someone through their trials-fail. Every thank you card i didn’t write-fail. Not desiring to get up and start my day with our kids-fail. Everyone starting preschool homeschool except me-fail. Not being an encouragement to my husband-fail. Never feeling like i can ever say or choose the right thing.
i look in the mirror, and all i see is failure. Failure to perform as a wife and a mother. I couldn’t see my Jesus anymore. i didnt feel like He was for me. And although my faith is always standing, i feel forgotten, beaten, and incapable. Your blog post has been the first light of encouragement i have felt. thank you so much and thank God for speaking through you to me.
Bless you Meg. I can see myself writing your response. I am struggling along with you, but give thanks to the One who promises He is with us. Will be praying for you.
I had every feeling you are having after I had my 2nd child. Turned out I had postpartum depression. Not saying you do, I can’t tell that in a few paragraphs but you may want to research it a little or talk to your dr. It was one of the most horrible feelings in the world and I don’t wish it on anyone and I needed medication and counseling to recover and get back to normal.
God bless you.
Meg- I think everything you mentioned, every instance, I have failed at too, and within the past week! I wish I was able to go out for coffee with you and just sit and talk. Although you aren’t alone in your thinking, it’s Satan’s goal to make you feel that way. Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one!
I have just come through what you’re going through. I’m not normally depressed either… But the first 5-6 months after baby #2 was hard. Very hard. Just hang in there. It does get better. I promise. My son is now 13 months old, he’s sleeping all night, feeding himself (for the most part), and those two things have made a huge difference to me. Don’t worry about the house. Don’t worry about the preschool. Rock that baby. Love that baby. Because those little ones grow up so fast.
Meg–your comment has touched my heart too. Look at all the moms who can so completely relate, myself included! Don’t believe the lies–God is FOR you. There was a season when I dreaded waking up each morning and facing the day. When I finally got to the heart of what was going on, I realized I believed God had forgotten me, even like He had reached down to crush me (at the time I was going through a very painful disappointment in my life). After spending a long time talking to Him about it (crying, yelling…you name it!) I had a deep sense of His overwhelming presence. I told Him I was so afraid of morning time–was I ever going to wake up with joy again, or win this battle? And so clearly I sensed Him telling me, “Do not be afraid of the mornings. I did not come to crush you–I came to FIGHT for you!” It blessed me to the core of my heart, and it is true for YOU. God is your advocate–He came to fight alongside you, for you, in and through you against all the lies! Because of Him, there is NO MORE guilt. I actually wrote a poem a while ago called Guilt-Free Womanhood (https://lovingmylot.com/2012/11/20/guilt-free-womanhood/) about all this sense of deep guilt I feel as a mom, wife, and woman–like I was wrong at every turn. If you have time, check it out here. Much, much love to you!
Meg, sweet sister, you are precious. Just reading all of the burdens you carry, all of the ways you want to do better, tells me you are growing each day. The enemy takes our desire to draw closer to Jesus and turns it into a glaring highlight of all our wasted efforts. Jesus just wants you. Just where you are. You don’t have to be perfect. He was perfect for you. Just love Him, draw close to him. That is the only work you have to do. I will pray for you and please know I have struggled with all of this myself. You are not alone and you are so very worthy of love.
You forget a mom- Working Mom. This is the mom that HAS to work outside the home in order to make ends meet. Maybe her husband is disabled, dead, or just not in the picture anymore. Maybe he does work, but he doesn’t make enough to completely pay all the bills. This Mom is probably this most judged and looked down upon Mom of all. She feels isolated from the other moms because all the mom meetings are during the day- while she is at work. Most of these moms have menial labor
“Working mom” Anonymous- I always wondered what other moms thought about “working moms”. I literally have very few friends. I spend all day with unbelieving working moms and ALL of my church friends are SAHM. NONE of them work outside the home. All of their bible studies and activities are during the day. I go to our sunday school on Sundays and they talk about what they did that week and all are very close. I definitely feel isolated. I don’t relate with them at all. I don’t have a choice either. My husband lost his job and is now in school so I am the only one supporting us financially. I wish I wasn’t judged because of this. At the same time, I wish I didn’t judge SAHM’s as much as I do just because I wish it was me staying at home. Very interesting subject.
Mom wars!? I feel like the moms are the ones who have my back! When I (hypothetically of course) have two whining babies in my cart in the Target line, the only ones giving me the stink eye are those such as myself 5 years ago, and older women who raised children which apparently never did such things. Sure we all have different interests, (crafts, athleticism, fashion, religion, etc.,) but I feel a common bond and support with other mommies because we are all doing the very best we can for our family.
Thank you …. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I needed this, today, now. Thank you.
Thank you.
After thinking about it further, I have noticed that the past couple years my friendships with all my friends have changed. We’ve all become moms. Recently, I found myself having a free day to go to lunch or get a pedicure and I literally don’t really have anyone I view as a close friend. So I just went alone. I always have had a great group of girlfriends in my life. I hate, for the first time, not having a group of close friends that are completely real with each other who accept each other as they are. Sometimes I choose not to invite certain friends because they might talk about how much they work out or how they are single handedly homeschooling all 4 of their children. I hate that my heart has gotten in the way of my friendships with other women. Ones that I have known for years. This is the first time I have experienced this and I want to know how to change the pressure that we put on each other or the expectations we give one another. This is a really great subject.
I, too, came across this on FB. How about just being greatful that you get to be a Mom. Just be the Mom you are, a don’t worry about what “kind.” There are some women out there that don’t get to be a Mom at all. Imagine the feeling of being told you can’t have children… Now that would make you feel like a failure…a failure at life. I say grab your kids and hold on tight because God has blessed YOU dearly.
I may get some comments from this, but I don’t care! I feel it needs to be said… I think the author makes some fabulous points, but one thing that really bothers me about most moms (especially those of us “religious” types) is that we focus SOOO much on becoming more spiritual, that we can lose sight on what God called us to DO. The reason we feel so ineffective as parents and that we can just never measure up is because we’re imperfect, sinful beings! The good news is that God clearly outlined how we are to RAISE our kids. Sure, keeping them clean and dressed nicely is important (we don’t want to turn others away from our faith), being a teacher is awesome and every second should be a “teachable moment,” saving money helps our family and honors God by being good stewards, and taking care of our bodies is another command. But… if you are taking your children to a daycare center so you can go workout (for example), you have the wrong focus! The only moms I ever look up to are moms who might be heavy-set and poorly dressed, perhaps, but their children are on a WHOLE. NUVA. LEVEL! 😛 These children don’t talk back to their parents, they obey the very first time they are told to do something, they say, “Yes Ma’am” or “Yes Momma” (showing respect) when an adult or parent calls them, they are helpful, don’t fight with their siblings, they make things right (properly and Biblically) when they have wronged someone, and so on. I think there IS a right and wrong way to be a mom (or a dad). God’s Word tells us how to parent, but even some Christian parents don’t follow His commands. “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it from him” (Prov. 22:15). Step up to the plate parents, and be the parent God CALLED you to be, and quit worrying about how the world sees you, how other moms see you, or even how you see yourself. Crack open your Bible to Proverbs and then Ephesians, read straight through, and pray that your kids NEVER depart from Him! ❤ Love to all, a little bit of a rabbit trail (sorry), but let's not lose sight of our calling!
Jenny, I think you do not get the point. You are now being condemning of mom’s who do not perfectly discipline their children to the standard you require…i.e.”Yes Ma’am/momma”, not fighting with siblings, etc. With the attitude you display I believe you will make many mother’s feel like failures and will not in turn point them to Christ, but to self-condemnation which is what this article is all about stopping. I can’t help but wonder if you have read many of the Pearl’s books. I here Michael and Debi Pearl coming through every word you write. I might suggest some better books, like Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp. I don’t know you, so if I am wrong I apologize. I just hope that you are able to get your eyes off perfectly behaved children as a goal and onto the One we are here to serve and point our children too. I also hope in turn that by being gracious and loving you might be able to encourage those parents you know that are neglecting the rod.
I really appreciated this article. I think the more we can see ourselves as Christ sees us the easier it is to love and value each other. What a wonderful thing to teach to our children, that each person is different, valuable, and God’s beloved child. We can say it all we want, but its our example that truly teaches. It all begins with loving ourselves and trusting that God values and loves us.
Great Reading! Thanks for posting that and for all the comments that followed. I am currently in the process of preparing for my daughters 3rd birthday and in the midst of all the errand running I stopped by my brother’s house to visit my parents and his family. I shared with my sister in law my plans of a Rapunzel Tower cake, (i have made it a tradition to make my daughters birthday cake each year) and I was met with comments of going overboard and how not to make so much cake because people will not eat it. These comments were hurtful and deep down very unsettling. I told my husband what had happened in the car on the way home and he asked me “Why? Why would they feel the need to say that?” And your article, has said it all. For no matter if we are family, friends or foes we are all capable of that judgement. It is sad, but after reading your post and the comments I will meet her judgement with love and understanding. Knowing that with three kids she has quite the load on her plate and perhaps could use an extra helping of love and understanding. Thanks for sharing!!
I read your post. It was well written. There was a time that I was trying to raise three kids by myself, having to lean on my family to help. The point that I see that wasn’t talked about was, God is there with each of us Moms. He gave us the most wonderful gift there is, a beautiful child. When you get down, and start thinking you are not as good as another Mother, look down into those big beautiful eyes. The ones that think you are superwoman. The ones that come to you when they are hurt, they don’t run to anyone else. The ones that only want to spend time with you, whether it’s watching a cartoon together or letting them help with pouring the cereal, or getting down in the floor to play cars. They just want to be with you. I was watching a 2 year old and had been since he was 4 months old. This child loved to sweep the floor and even get my mop after I had just mopped and it was dry and start mopping again (and he did the whole floor while I unloaded the dishwasher). These are the things that they will remember. They are only young for such a short time. You blink and they are grown and starting a life of their own. Don’t waste this precious time worrying about someone else. Jesus said to not judge others lest you will be judge. There are women that would give anything just to have a child. So just go and give your child or children a hug and thank God for these precious gifts.
God used you in an awesome way with this article. It spoke volumes to me. I struggle with this all the time. Looking at other moms who “seem” to have it all together. The word “seem” is what God has been speaking to me about. You put into words what I always think in my head but didnt know how to say. Thank you. I always do my best & I cant do better than that & God knows that. Question tho: I wonder how other moms see me? What label do they use on me? Honestly, I dont know what I would label me as lol! Its good to know im not alone on my thoughts about this. Thanks again for allowing God to use you.
Thank you for honesty and revealing the depths of the cry of this dry heart.
I think it is important to realize that there is always more to the story. That doesn’t mean seeing the whole picture reveals people are somehow bad or wrong.. but rather it reveals they are real people reacting to real-life issues. The “organic/healthy” mom may be that way because she faced serious health challenges and sickness in her life and is seeking healing and it makes her happy to live that way and she wants to share that with others to help them heal.. The “marathon” mom may have entered marathons as a symbol of overcoming challenges in her life or is also seeking healing/health. The “crafty” mom maybe uses her crafts as a way to bring joy to herself and her children.. as an outlet. The “fashionable” mom probably finds joy in making herself look together because maybe other parts of her life are out of her control. Who knows, let’s give people the benefit of the doubt. To compare to only small views of another’s life is silly. We each have an individual calling and path in life and we should celebrate when we see others acting in faith to improve their sphere. We are all just people struggling against life’s challenges and we are all in this together.
Thank you for putting you thoughts so succinctly into words. As a mother of 14, people have always though I should have ‘all’ the answers to being the perfect mother. Ha! That couldn’t be further from the truth. I have gone through all the emotions you mentioned and then some. I just have to remember that I am responsible before the Lord for every thought, word, deed and choice I make in my life no matter what anyone else around me is doing. May God give each of us grace to be all that He wants us to be, everyday.
Thank you for your honest take on the powers, good and evil, that surround motherhood. We are a powerful bunch and if we took this power and continually used it for good, a lot of the bad things in life would be taken away. I love how you suggested ‘watering’ each others’ souls. In doing this we have no energy to judge ourselves and those around us. Thank you for the beautiful reminder that we are simply daughters of a God who loves us.
Simply beautiful! Through every season of my children’s lives I have faced this. Since becoming disabled, I have come to a bit of a different understanding, however. I still struggle with feelings of insecurity and inferiority, but I am reminded by the Spirit that, just as each mom is different, each CHILD is different, too! My kids apparently didn’t need crafty mom or athletic mom. They needed ME. Yours need YOU. THAT is the beauty of God’s love for us…. we need fit into no mold for any task he has given us. Know that as long as you love your children with all you have, even the bad days are your offering to God, and He is pleased.
Well said. I am now on the down side of child rearing getting ready to send my third of five out the door, but I had many early years feeling the same as you’ve so beautifully penned. May I add the teaching of grace to your children. It covers a multitude of parental sins. If ones children truly understands the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ they will extend it to you. By the grace of God, our children our doing just that!
I am new to fb so this may be posted twice. The article was well written. I am a mother of 3 but helped raise 5. At one time I was trying to raise my three alone. If I hadn’t had my family, I don’t think I would have made it. The only point that I haven’t read is, The Lord is with each and every Mom. He has given us the most amazing gift, a miracle. He has given us a child. It doesn’t matter what any other Mom looks like or what she does. When you get down and start doubting yourself, just look into those big amazing eyes. The eyes that look at you because they think you are supermom. It’s you they run to when they are hurt, not someone else. It’s you they come to when something scares them because they know you can scare the monsters away. All they want is to be with you. It doesn’t matter if the dishes stay in the sink alittle longer, or the clothes in the dryer need folding. If finances are low, take them to the park, let them help with the clothes. If you are cleaning the kitchen, let them play with the broom. I can remember back when I was 4 and I would try to sweep the floor for Momma, while my older sister was at school. I can remember just how long that broom was. Think back to when you were little and what memories you have. I bet there was not one where you had rather be with another Mother. If for some reasons your memories were not as good as you wish they were then here is your chance to make beautiful ones with your child. There are women that would give anything just to be able to have a child. My daughter is one of them. She will make a wonderful Momma, and someday with God’s help she will. There are others that will never have this wonderful chance. They are only little for such a short time. You blink one day and they are grown and starting a life of their own. As far as judging other Mothers remember what the Bible says, do not judge others lest you will be judged. Don’t waste a single second of your child’s life thinking you should be like someone else. And remember, they pick up on everything. So if your are doubting yourself, they might just start doubting themselves. Just love them, cherish them, be with them, that’s the only thing that matters.
Very well thought out! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! On a side note, as a mom and a teacher, I often notice that we have forgotten how important a little thing like empathy is. It is my opinion that SHOWING God’s love to others is more important than affirming His love in ourselves. The greatest act of love and empathy was God’s walk and death on this Earth as Jesus. His ability to become a man to live in our shoes and to still show love and learning was something we should use as a guide to what we can do with our time in this world….SHOW God’s love in your words, your thoughts, and your actions. You won’t always succeed in doing so…but try anyway! Much love to the “Mommy Club”!
You hit the nail on the head with your forest comparison. I’ve looked at my life and the lives of many other mothers, and what we all have in common is that non-mothers, both male and female, including our spouses, don’t realize how hard our job is, don’t appreciate it on par with how hard it is, and don’t hold us up–and they’re not really interested in learning.
I support my husband in his job, but let’s be honest, I’ve been out in the working world, and this job of mothering is harder by far. But he doesn’t give me the same level of support. This is very typical where I live–most couples here are traditional and the wife’s support of the husband is a given, while the husband goes to work and (apparently) figures that’s the extent of his support.
What I see happening around me is husbands who compliment their wives just enough to avoid doing most of the scut work of parenting themselves, but who don’t understand or care to understand how difficult good parenting really is. Others, especially the fathers of our children, should be mothers’ first cheering section, complimenting, noticing our hard work and holding us up–because heaven knows we get no genuine respect from the rest of the world. You can’t give and give and give without any help. Parenting has *never* in history been done by only one person (or one and a half in some cases, here), but we expect it to be.
Since I’m not someone who was born to be home 24/7 with children at all (imagine plucking a happy SAHM out of her home and dropping her down on the floor of the Stock Exchange to shout and buy and sell–that’s how out of my element I am), but I’m doing the job anyway, I need support. I need someone to notice how hard I’m trying and help hold me up in doing this difficult work. We all do. I wish our husbands were aware of how hard it is and were willing to hold us up since there is no one else who will do it. Of course I believe God is sufficient; but even God created us with other people and with social and emotional needs that we fulfill for each other. We need watering, just like plants. Is God enough? Yes. Did God mean for Himself to be about the only support we get on this earth? Of course not.
I realize my situation isn’t the same as others’ situation and this won’t apply to everyone. It represents my experience in a conservative area, in a conservative denomination. Compliments here are tools used to keep women doing the tasks the men don’t want to do–they don’t represent genuine respect or a real understanding of the work of parenting.
Thanks for listening. I loved your post, just wanted to add the part about *husbands* being supportive since society only gives motherhood lip service. Doing the hardest job there is with little to no respect or support makes it all the harder.
Lovely way of working the words. I did not get through ALL of the comments, just skimmed them…
Like Megan T., I am one of those crafty moms and I love it. I love including my kiddos in my joys as my wonderful mother and Crafter on Steroids Grandmother did when I was a child. Unlike mommy counterpart I was in no way offended in being labeled. I would have to say that I am Switzerland in the Mommy wars, I believe that God gives us our own talents and path to care for. BUT, I definitely envy what I PERCEIVE in other mommies. I envy the mom that has the body of fitness model, dream of being able to speak to in public and organize events, and really covet (work-in progress) the mom that is a shopping wizard and can afford the cute, on-trend outfits, and put together looks. But that is not my talent and I refuse to bludgeon myself with that stick. If you take the time to get to know the mommies around you, it begins to clear the vision that they have the same wants and needs as we all do. Fit mom may want to learn to sew and envies your hand at the needle, all together mom feels she needs to look like fit mom or just wants to get more serious about her fitness and doesn’t know where to start. Just like it takes many pieces to make a whole, it takes us all together to raise whole children.
I believe as mommies, whatever our talents, should support each other. I know God sets upon my heart to 1) give every mommy a smile, an extra big one to those who are frazzled, 2) lend a shoulder of support, and 3) verbally encourage our sister mommies. If we were not all unique, it would be a very boring place, and the gym would be way to crowded.
Maybe if we stopped calling being a mom a “special club”, people will stop trying to inflate their own importance and just relax on themselves and others.
Being a mother doesn’t make you any more special than anyone else. It just makes you crazier.
I’m the mother of 5, btw.
Elvie, I disagree….being a “mom” is special. It is different than any other calling. That doesn’t mean it is better than….necessarily. But it IS different and no one but another mother can totally relate. That is the “club” part. So if people feel “left out”, it isn’t b/c they are not wanted. It is merely b/c there is NO WAY they can truly, FULLY understand until they ARE a mother.
I truly believe that we are given the children that we need to raise. By being who I am, I am the best parent for my child. Our children are different and we are different too. Let’s all try to be understanding and accepting of everyone around us.
I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for giving my feelings and thoughts words. Thank you for reminding me that God loves me. Thank you for all the truth in this post and for writing it. Thank you for all that I can’t put into words.
I like this article, but I think it covers only part of the problem; and not, I suspect, the biggest part.
I think one of the biggest factors in the so called mommy wars & feeling inadequate and all the rest is that we are constantly told by media, articles, doctors, advocates, friends, family and “research” that even the tiniest decisions we make are going to affect our child entire future. That’s crazy pressure!
I think many moms are walking around paranoid they’re doing real damage – lasting damage – to their kids! And I suspect we are the first generation to really have this problem – where every single aspect, every single choice, every single decision about how to raise our child is scrutinized to that level with the idea of those kinds of consequences.
Which is where I think this article fails. It doesn’t really address that at all. I know a lot of women are confident about just being themselves and dealing with their own inadequacies as a woman – through good self-esteem & through accepting & dwelling in the love of God.
But knowing that God loves you (as you are) is unlikely to ease your guilt about whether or not you’re damaging your child for life. So many moms start to feel like they need to be all the types of moms – to do everything – not for themselves, but for their child’s future – and not just a pie in the sky future – but for a normal healthy future. (!!)
I don’t agree with this, but think I our culture and our media is promoting this and driving this & making everyone a little crazy. I don’t think it’s true – but I know sometimes it affects me nonetheless.
I think along with understanding that we can’t be perfect and that’s okay, we need to understand that not being perfect is not going to destroy our children. Once it’s no longer a fight for the survival of our children, I think we can be a lot kinder to ourselves and to each other.
I find it interesting that in an article about mom v mom – there’s still a touch of mom v non-mom.
“Let me begin by saying, the Mommy Club is a beautiful place. The moment you join, you find within your heart this unexpectedly raw capacity for love. All at once, you are a protector, a nurturer, a defender of innocence, a story teller, an imagination factory, a kisser of boo-boos, and a cheerleader til the end of time. Even on the scrape-me-off-the-floor-with-a-spatula days, you are being sanctified and learning to see God’s grace in a brand new light. It is a special club, one I’m humbled and grateful to be part of.”
Non-moms can and do have the raw capacity for love. They can protect, nurture, defend innocence, tell stories, have fantastic imaginations, kiss and tend boo-boos, and be a cheerleader. I won’t say it’s not a special club – I get that it is. But a woman doesn’t have to have a child to be any of those things, or to be able to see God’s grace in fantastic new lights every day.
I totally agree. The last thing I’d ever want to do is start a war between moms and non-moms! There are so many women who don’t have kids that I deeply respect and love. I go to them for advice & godly counsel all the time. I was just focusing on some of the unique challenges of motherhood, while also saying it is a special joy to be a mom. I understand your comment & just wanted to share that my heart in this post was never to hurt any non-moms.
thank you for your reply! I knew reading your post that you weren’t coming from that place – but in think too many moms do accidentally slip into a superior woman/mom mindset without realizing it, and I happened to notice a a little of that echoed in some comments. with the recent hubub over the latest Time article, and as a young woman who has accepted that children are not in the cards for my life, I think I can sometimes be a bit hypersensitive on the matter, so I truly appreciate your follow up.