Category Archives: Parenting

Why Having More Babies Isn’t as Crazy as You May Think

The first time a kind stranger peeked at my newborn baby and gushed, “Oh honey, treasure every second!” I almost burst into tears.  Not because I was so touched, but because I was so tired.  We were standing at the entrance to the mall–me, my baby, and my Shamu-sized postpartum belly–all three of us staring at this sweet lady with her abounding supply of freedom.

I wanted to say, “I’ll try!  I’ll try to treasure every second, and you try to treasure every second of the eight hours of uninterrupted sleep you’re going to get tonight.  And treasure every second you’re going to roam this mall in total freedom, buying clothes that will fit your skinny waist, and shirts that aren’t breastfeeding accessible.  And while you’re at it, treasure all the discretionary time you’ll have in the next decade while I watch Dora, and take temperatures, and settle fights, and pretend to be a human jungle gym, and birth more babies, and clean puke off my clothes.”

Instead I just smiled and waddled off–me, baby, and Shamu.  That was round one for me.  My very first baby.  And boy, was the learning curve steep.

Two weeks ago I gave birth to baby number three.  My third gorgeous little daughter.  She arrived three weeks early, in such a massive hurry that despite having two previous c-sections, I delivered her naturally with no drugs (and a whole lot of screaming!)  It was the first time I experienced a baby being laid on my chest the moment she was born.  Later, the midwife told me she would never forget the look on my face.  It wasn’t pretty or serene (Clint snapped a picture, so I know!)  It was a look of complete shock.  Somewhere in the midst of all the pain 16-IMG_0016and hysteria, I had completely forgotten I would get a baby out of this ordeal.  My mom (who thought this one might be a boy, despite the ultrasound’s verdict) asked me later if it registered that she really was a girl.  I told her that in that moment I wouldn’t have cared if she was a monkey.  I held my little baby as they stitched me up, and I never felt more comforted in all my life.  I didn’t examine her, or talk to her, or try to nurse her…I just abided with her, quietly knowing that she and I together had done something extraordinary.  We each went on a journey–scary and unknown–and we met in the middle.

This time, if a kindly stranger tells me to treasure every second, I think I will burst into tears.  Not because of my lost figure or freedom, but because I so ardently understand that the seconds truly are numbered.  They are grains of sand slipping through the hourglass, never to be returned.  That’s the funny thing about motherhood.  You start off with so little on your plate, and it feels like you’re absolutely drowning.  And yet the more you add, the more joyful it becomes.  Because somewhere in between adding more babies, and more diapers, and more laundry, you also add more perspective.  You realize there are worse things than a long night, and challenges really do pass, and tiny toes don’t stay tiny forever.  You know cribs turn into beds, and strollers turn into bikes, and the chubby cheeks making fish faces today will be wearing your makeup tomorrow.

And so, in these past two weeks, as I treasure every second, one verse keeps coming to my mind: “Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah.  So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death” (Gen 24: 67).  Is it busy and hectic and messy having three children?  Of course it is!  Have I gone to bed at 8pm every night this week?  Yes I have!  But this time around, the baby isn’t the exhausting, overwhelming part.  In the midst of all the scheduling, and carpooling, and cleaning, the baby is my Rebekah.  She is the comfort in the chaos.

Welcome to the world, darling.  We love you.
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How Much Should a Mom Minister Outside the Home?

tug-o-war1-1024x345

Tug of war.  That’s what comes to mind when I think of this question.  On one end of the rope, I see this narcissistic, household-consumed version of myself who dreams about Pottery Barn bedding and pre-school drama to the neglect of all the people beyond the four walls of my home.  On the other end of the rope, I see this frazzled, crazy version of myself delivering homemade casseroles to every sick family in church while my own kids eat microwavable corn dogs in front of the TV.

How do we find balance?  I always assumed I just needed to find the “middle of the rope.”  Which is a very vague way of saying, “just try harder to be, well…balanced.”  If you could see my schedule now, I think it would look fairly balanced on the outside.  I serve in two different ministries at church, which helped me say “no” to serving in a third ministry outside of church.  We spend a few evenings a week with others, and a few at home by ourselves.  But the truth is, this isn’t really an outward question.  It’s not a logical, “what does your schedule look like?” kind of question.  It’s an emotional and spiritual question, often laden with guilt, presuppositions, and preferences.  A heart question.  And as we all know, our schedule can look ship-shape while our heart is in turmoil.

On Sunday night I dropped my kids off at our church nursery so I could serve at a youth event.  It was a whiny, reluctant drop-off because “What?!  So-and-so-friend isn’t here tonight?!”  Being the godly mom that I am, I promised them each a cupcake when the event was over, and said good-bye.  As the youth band played I thought about…my kids.  And my kids, and my kids, and my kids.  “Oh God,” I prayed, “I want to be present here tonight.  I want to serve these high school students.  Help me recognize that I’m called to more than just my family.”  And as His peace washed over me, a new thought occurred.  Maybe ministering inside and outside the home aren’t on two different ends of a rope. Maybe, in God’s perfect design, they actually work together to make us better at both

Think about it like this: how do we become the kind of women who have the character and wisdom to shepherd those outside our home?  By first being faithful inside our home.  A reader once referred me to an article in which a married blogger was reluctant to have children because she didn’t want to shortchange her ministry.  The blogger explained that when she got married, she felt like she took a “back seat” to her husband in ministry.  The last thing she wanted was to have children and be rendered entirely invisible at their church.  The blogger’s conclusion was to abandon gender roles, whereby she and her husband could do all things interchangeably.

The reader who referred me to this article was understandably confused by it.  “Is this the right perspective?” she asked me.  In my opinion, no.  It’s not.  I can say that with confidence because the Bible flips this perspective upside-down.  In Titus 2:3-5, Paul instructs, “Teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live…Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.”

Clearly, God is passionate about the home.  So passionate, in fact, that one of the chief ways he wants women to minister to other women is by training them to be faithful in the home!  How can we fulfill this mandate if we’re never home learning these lessons ourselves?  In this way, our home isn’t an obstacle to ministry, it’s a platform and training ground for it.

On the flip side, I also believe that as we embrace God’s calling to serve those outside our home, we become better wives and mothers to those within the home!  Think about it like this: what message are we sending our children if we’re constantly consumed with them?  More importantly, is it a biblical one?  Growing up, my mom imparted many lessons to me without ever saying a word.  As she counseled sobbing women on the sofa, I learned that she was more than just my mom, and that there were things that were more important than playing tea party with me right now!  I learned that there was great suffering in the world, and one of the ways we could love Jesus was by loving others.

So how do we find balance?  I think it begins with that popular word we all love so much…submission.  If you resent the way your family limits your freedom in ministry, you need to submit to the biblical truth that God has called you to serve your family, trusting that as you obey Him, He will groom you to more effectively minister to others.  If you idolize your family to the neglect of the rest of the body of Christ, you need to submit to the biblical truth that the best way to love your family is to make Jesus primary, trusting that in doing this, you will be a better wife and mom.  Either way, the answer lies in submitting our own preferences and personal agendas to Christ.

Clearly He has called us to both the home and those outside of it.  That can only mean these two mandates are not at odds with one another, but rather, working together to make us the women he wants us to be.  Forget tug of war.  Instead, picture a bicycle with two pedals pumping in unison.  One propels the other forward, and vice versa.  It’s the only way the bike can balance.

If you still want some practical application, here are a few questions I’ve been stewing over as I check my own heart:

  • Do I regularly meet my husband and children’s needs for love, attention, and affirmation?  If they were honest, what would they say?  
  • Is the way that I manage our household a blessing or a burden to my family?
  • Does it concern me when I hear that others are suffering?  Does my prayer life reflect this concern?  Do my actions?
  • Am I open and sensitive to God leading me to serve others, or am I quick to assume “I’ve got my hands full”?
  • Is there an area outside my home where I have felt burdened to serve God, but have not obeyed?   Is there an area outside my home where my husband has challenged me to serve God, but I have been unwilling to even consider it? 
  • Has my husband, or a spiritual mentor, ever suggested I may be over-committed in ministry, to the detriment of my family or my own well-being? 
  • Why am I motivated to serve my family and others?  Am I motivated by love for Christ, or love for myself?

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Paper Bag Scrapbooking

P1060601When one of my crafty MIL’s friends visited last week, she left us a surprise: all the materials necessary to make our own paper bag scrapbooks.  Say what?  My thoughts exactly.  As someone who abandoned old-fashioned scrapbooking the moment I discovered Shutterfly, I never imagined turning a lunch bag into a keepsake.  But my five-year-old was enchanted.  Every day, from dawn ’til dusk (and once at 4am in the morning), she asked if we could make her paper bag scrapbook.  So, we did.  Turns out, we love this kid-friendly craft!  It’s simple enough to finish in a few hours, and full of customizable options (paper, photos, stickers…) that will leave your little one with an extra-special keepsake.P1060612

You will need:
3 small paper bags
hole puncher
ribbons (to bind your book)
scissors, glue (or double-sided tape)
photos
scrapbook and/or construction paper
any other scrapbook embellishments

Steps:
1. Fold your paper bags in half.  Open them and punch two holes down the middle crease.  Thread three strands of ribbon through the holes and tie in a bow on the outside of the scrapbook.

Use any color paper bags

Use any color paper bags

2. Decorate each page of your scrapbook any way you please.  My daughter loved picking which pictures went first, and what paper and embellishments went with them.

3. Use the pages with the top portion of the paper bag as “pockets.”  We filled some with photos, and others with hand-drawn pictures. P1060618

4. Other pages will include the bottom portion of the paper bag (the rectangular part that makes it stand upright).  You can either glue this part shut, or use it as a little flap to include captions, small stickers, or “surprise!” photos. scrapbook

You can see both sides of the paper bag in this picture - the "pocket" and the "flap."

You can see both sides of the paper bag in this picture – the “pocket” and the “flap.”

In the end, your final product will look something like this: P1060621 P1060620 P1060619 snowman

Oh…and like this!
P1060609.

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What Everyone Should Know about Raising a Child with Special Needs

When Dana Hemminger asked me to review her new book about raising a child with Down Syndrome, I readily agreed.  Knowing Dana’s blog, I knew the book would bless me.  But to be honest, I was motivated for one other reason: sheer curiosity.  BookCoverImage

In 1987, Emily Perl Kingsley coined an analogy to describe the experience of raising a child with disabilities.  In the analogy, pregnancy is like planning a trip to Italy.  Parents eagerly pack and dream and make preparations with Italy in mind, only to deliver their baby and realize the “plane” has landed in Holland.  Naturally they’re shocked, grieved, and confused.  Nothing is as expected.  But eventually, as they learn to adapt, they realize Holland is beautiful in its own way.  Dana borrows this analogy for the title of her book, Reflections from Holland.  

The Shameful Truth
Here’s what we moms who have only been to Italy don’t like to admit: Holland scares us.  We’re curious about it because, on some level, we fear that a journey there might destroy us.  Much of that fear is due to the fact that Holland is entirely unknown territory.  But these past few weeks, that changed for me.  When I sat down with Dana’s book, I thought she was going to teach me about raising a child with Down Syndrome from a biblical perspective.  And she did.  But she did so much more than just that.  Dana invited me onto the plane with her.  She let me climb inside her heart and journey to Holland, beginning from the very moment her pregnancy test was positive.

DSCF9075_editedAs a result, reading Dana’s book felt like reading her diary, and I found myself unable to put it down.  The lessons weren’t grouped in clever phrases or listed in simple steps.  Instead they were woven into her life.  Shimmering on the surface of her tears.  Rising from the ashes of her prayers.  They were everywhere.  In the big moments when Benjamin endured open-heart surgery at two months old, and when his parents (and I!) cried as he finally took his first steps at nearly four years old.  And the lessons were in the small moments, when Dana opened a Christmas card with “perfect” pictures of a friend’s baby, or listened to her 8-month-old daughter say “Mama” before her 4-year-old son had ever said it.

What Everyone Should Know about Raising a Child with Special Needs (or Why You Need to Read This Book!)
Of all the things I learned from this book, 3 things especially stand out:

Ignorance is hurtful.
Before reading Reflections from Holland, I had no idea how many medical challenges Down DSCN2189Syndrome can present, including hearing and vision loss, heart problems, seizures and more.  I knew it caused developmental delays, but I underestimated those as well.  By the time I had journeyed with the Hemmingers in and out of hospitals, through multiple forms of therapy, and heard their desperate prayers for their son, I, too, felt the sting of insensitive comments like: “Just wait until he does learn to crawl; you’ll be wishing he didn’t!”

In one of my favorite chapters, entitled “Help that Hurts,” Dana gives several examples of ignorant comments like this, and graciously explains why they are hurtful.  I was so grateful for this knowledge.  In my opinion, it is invaluable.  As the church, one of our greatest callings is to minister to people in their suffering.  But sometimes we have no idea how to do that, because the form of suffering is so foreign to us.  Educating ourselves is crucial in becoming equipped to love others as Jesus does.

Everyone will face disappointment in parenting.
This book is about so much more than Down Syndrome.  The reality is, we are all going to face disappointment in parenting, whether or not God calls us to Holland.  This book is about experiencing God in the face of that disappointment.  It’s about laying our plans and our dreams on the altar, and delighting ourselves in God’s will for our life, even (or perhaps especially) when it’s not what we had in mind.

Hope in Christ withstands every storm.
In other words, you can do more than survive Holland; you can thrive in it.  When it came to parenting Benjamin, almost nothing went according to Dana’s plan, from the smallest details of the delivery to the greatest challenges presented by Down Syndrome.  For some people, this DSCF8919would justify lifelong resentment and bitterness.  But there was one crucial key to Dana’s ability to thrive in Holland–she made Jesus her treasure.  She chose to treasure Christ more than milestones, or expectations, or appearances.  And in so doing, she found great comfort, overflowing promise, and abundant reasons to rejoice.

This is a book well worth every mom’s time.  Initially, when I sat down to write this review, I was going to say that by the time you close the last page, you will feel like Dana is a close friend.  But perhaps it’s more fitting to say, by the time you close the last page, you will wish you had a friend like her.

For more from Dana Hemminger, visit her blog or buy her book on Amazon.

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Peanut Butter Princess

pbprincess2
Peanut Butter Princess
with sticky-icky hands,
and 27 crowns
and twice as many fans!

Put on plastic heels,
clatter through the house,
smear peanut butter fingers
on mommy’s satin blouse.

Dance on daddy’s head
at the crack of dawn,
put lipstick on your eyebrows,
wave your hotdog wand!

And I will wear a tutu
and laugh until I cry;
My Peanut Butter Princess,
I’ll love you ‘til I die.

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How Mama Bear Hurts Her Family

animals-bear-angry-brown-bear-wallpaperI’ve never loved the “Mama Bear” analogy.  When I think of “Mama Bears,” I picture moms who bite teachers’ heads off, and elbow their way through crowds so their kids can get the best seat at story time.  I’d much rather be a Mama Swan, peacefully gliding through life with all my little ducklings in a row.  But I’m not.  I’m the Swan-faced mom with the heart of a Grizzly.

The truth is, you don’t have to be loud and obnoxious to be a Mama Bear.  You just have to care too much about the well being of your family.  You have to idolize it.  To bow down and worship it, so that if anybody in your household isn’t okay, nothing’s okay.  You see, the thing about Mama Bears is that deep down, we long to control our universe so that we can protect the people we love.  If we’re Christians, on some level we know this is impossible.  But that doesn’t stop us from trying.  How can we stop trying?  Then things might really fall apart.  So we spin our wheels endlessly, longing for that moment when we can take a deep breath and say, Life is good.  Nobody’s in the hospital.  Nobody’s having nightmares.  Nobody’s miserable at work.  Of course, this kind of peace is fragile as an eggshell.  It’s like building your home on a foundation of toothpicks.

And boy, is it exhausting.  I knew there would be a lot of work in becoming a wife and mom; I just didn’t realize how much of it would be done with my heart instead of my hands.  The more people we add to our family, the more my heart has to carry.  Worry, concern, love, joy, pain, affection, fear.  I don’t even want a dog, because I don’t have the emotional capacity to care for one more living thing!  There are days when my husband walks through the door with a heavy expression on his face, and I want to hold up a hand and say, “I’m sorry!!  The anxiety meter has reached maximum capacity.  Put one more burden on my plate and I will drop dead right here in the kitchen!  Then you’ll have to finish cooking.”  Instead I usually opt for the quick-fix: “What’s wrong?  Just tell me.  Tell me now.”  Maybe I can slap some gospel truth on this one real fast and check it off the list before the spaghetti sauce burns.  

But it doesn’t work that way for one simple reason.  I’m not Jesus.  All my outward attempts to “fix” our universe are just that–outward attempts.  They’re the toothpicks straining under the weight of the house that will always crush them flat.  I still remember the day Clint looked at me and said, “Can you just let me be not okay?  Can you just love me when I’m not happy?”

But if you’re not okay, then I’m not okay, I thought.  And just like that, I finally got it.  Wanting him to be okay was never really about him.  It was always about me.  I didn’t want to abide with him in a season of long-suffering.  I wanted it over.  Fixed.  So that I could go back to being happy.  I’ve known that Mama Bears (like me) are protective and controlling.  But this was the first time I realized they’re also selfish.  So selfish, in fact, that they’re willing to short-circuit what God wants to do in someone’s life, just so they don’t have to endure the discomfort of watching it.

When little Susie has no friends at school, Mama Bears (like me) don’t want to walk the long, painful road of teaching her to trust Jesus.  We just want to make the heartache go away.  We want to throw a block party and invite every 5-year-old in Georgia.  But what if God destined this to be the first time little Susie turned to Jesus with a real problem?  What if this heartache set the stage for her first experience of believing God and seeing Him act on her behalf?  Isn’t that worth a little suffering?  For Susie…and for Mama Bear?

But the only way we will become the kind of woman with the ability to abide instead of fix, is if we abide in Christ.  David once sang, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea” (Ps 46:1-2).  Don’t you long to have such assurance on the day your private mountains fall into the heart of the sea?  On the day your husband loses his job?  Or the pediatrician says you need to see a specialist?  Or your grown child phones to tell you she’s getting a divorce?

I guarantee you, Mama Bear longs for it.  Because she understands life on the other side.  She lives in the house built on sand, and even on the good days, she fears it’s sinking.  I wish I could say it’s easy to pick up that house and plop it down on the Solid Rock of Christ.  I wish it was a one-time thing.  But it’s not.  It is a moment-by-moment choice to yield and to trust.  Then, and only then, can we minister to our families with the sort of love that says, “Come as you are, messy and in pain.  I will abide with you.  As long as it takes.”

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3 Factors to Consider Before Starting a Family

You know the saying, “If you wait until you’re ready to have a baby, you’ll never have one”?  I’m not entirely sure I agree.  I agree with the heart of the sentiment: no one is ever totally “ready” to become a parent.  That’s the beauty of it–parenting changes you.  You don’t have to have all the maturity necessary to complete the journey right from the get-go, because the journey itself will develop that maturity within you.

But I think it’s unwise to suggest you don’t need any form of readiness before becoming a parent.  Let me be the first to admit, when I discovered I was pregnant with my firstborn, I had all the enthusiasm of Barney and all the readiness of Bart Simpson.  My thoughts went something like this, “A baby!!  Ooooh, polka dot bedding!”  Suffice to say, there was a steep learning curve when she arrived.

In hindsight, I think there are 3 factors that can make the transition into parenthood a lot easier or a lot more difficult.

Personal Maturity
We will never be perfect.  But the last thing we want to do is have a baby in order to fill a personal void in our lives.  Children were never meant to “fix” us.  They do not cure loneliness or mend weak marriages.  In fact, they do just the opposite–they apply pressure to the already weak areas.  Furthermore, it is our calling as parents to shepherd them, not vice versa.  And sadly, we cannot give what we don’t have.  Which begs the question: Am I in a good place spiritually?  How is my marriage?  Am I battling any addictions or enslaving sins?  Am I involved in Christian community?  The goal is not to seek perfection or works-based righteousness.  It’s simply to evaluate our hearts before the Lord, recognizing that the call to parent a human being is a serious one.

Financial Readiness
I think the big thing to consider here isn’t dollars and cents, but what living situation you will have to adopt in order to support a baby.  In other words, what will this look like practically?  Will we both have to work and put our child in daycare?  If so, how do we feel about that?  Will one of us have to take a second job?  Or drop out of school?  How much will we see each other?  My husband was in his last year of graduate school and only working part-time when our first child came along.  We chose to use up a portion of our savings for one year so I could stay home and he could finish school.  It was a costly decision financially, but it protected our marriage and reduced the stress in our household.  The question is: Can we make it work financially and still maintain a healthy family life?  

Outside Support
This can go a long way toward protecting and even boosting those first two categories.  If the budget is tight but Grandma and Grandpa live in town, you’ve just saved yourself a wealth of babysitting expenses.  If you’re going to be a stay-at-home-mom and you already have close friends, you’ll probably be a much happier one.  Outside support allows you time for yourself, time to get in the Word, date nights with your husband, and clean laundry when you’re too tired to do it yourself.  It’s not a necessity, but it will greatly impact the ease or difficulty with which you transition into parenthood.  Do I have outside support in this season of life?  Do I live near family members who are willing to help?  If not, do I have close friends who are trustworthy?  Can I count on my husband to be a source of support?  Is he excited about starting a family, or have I coerced him into it?  

Final Thoughts
I actually wrote this article several months ago and set it on the back-burner for one main reason: I see the potential for discouragement.  What if you’re already pregnant, and one or all of these factors aren’t in place?  Dear friend, that was me.  Our first baby was a big surprise.  We were far from family and hardly in a good place financially, with a lot of growing up to do.  But guess what?  We survived.  Better yet, God used it mightily to accomplish His purposes in our lives.  If there’s one thing I’m learning to treasure in my life, it’s the blessing and sanctification that only comes through difficulty.

If you’re in the same unprepared boat I was in six years ago, don’t lose heart!  You can  take steps to grow in each of these areas.  Simply seeking godly community, either through church or ministries like BSF, will help you develop outside support and personal maturity.  Turning to the Bible and godly mentors will help you make wise decisions regarding finances and lifestyle changes.

But most of all, remind yourself that only God creates life.  From the beginning of time, He has ordained every day of this precious child’s life!  (Psalm 139:13-16).  And He has chosen you to parent this child, at this time, for His great glory.  Surely, you can trust Him to equip you.  As Isaiah once wrote in a song of praise: “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal!”  (Isaiah 26:3-4)

(photo credit)

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